Tara grinned. ‘Look, all I’m saying is, if it were me, and I was in there, I’d rather be part of the air or the sea or buried under a feckin’ tree, than stood on a shelf reminding folk that I’m dead. If it was the other way around, would you want Scott feeling sad every time he passed your dusty arse on his way to make a sandwich?’
Erin began to laugh and she knew that if Scott was here, he’d be laughing too. She laughed so hard that her Yves Saint Laurent mascara began to run.Waterproof, my arse.
‘I know,’ she said, wiping her eyes. ‘I feel like I should scatter him, but…’
‘But what?’
‘…but then he will be completely gone.’
The laughter quickly stopped and for a moment, each woman felt Erin’s heartbreak as if it were their own. Beth reached over and took her hand.
‘Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry.’
‘How do I let him go?’ she asked, her voice breaking into a sob. ‘How do I live in a world that doesn’t have even a tiny part of him in it?’
‘You don’t have to,’ Tara said. ‘I’m so sorry, I should never have said that.’
‘I’m glad you did,’ Erin replied, grabbing a tissue for her nose. ‘Because I needed to laugh about this. I haven’t worked, I’ve barely slept, I don’t go out. I needed to feel something else other than sad. Other than hurt. Other than angry.’
‘But it was thoughtless,’ Tara acknowledged. ‘I’m mean, what the hell do I know… about anything? My life is a mess and I’m out here questioning your choices.’
She looked over to Alex and sighed. ‘I met a perfect guy, but not for me. He’s perfect for you. Who am I to stand in the way of happiness, just because I don’t know what that is?’
Alex leaned across and hugged Tara. ‘You’re more loved than you know,’ she said. ‘Remember that.’
‘How did we let this go?’ Beth asked. ‘You know, Paul was right. Who are any of us to talk about our friendship when we let it fall apart so easily?’
She looked around the table, at each person displaying the look of disgrace that she felt. ‘We should have done better; we have tobebetter.’ The unspoken agreement was unanimous.
‘I put Christine’s face in the freezer.’ Everyone turned to look at Becky who was currently buttering her toast. ‘If you could just leave the photo in there for at least a week, I’d appreciate it. Maybe a month, I’m a bit rusty these days.’
Erin started to chuckle. ‘No worries, she can keep Reese company.’
* * *
‘What do you all thinks happens, you know, when you die?’
The walk to the beach with Scott’s ashes had been a slow one, giving Erin the time to process her thoughts.
‘Heaven, I guess,’ Beth said. ‘Big pearly gates and all that, knowing that you’ve lived a good life… that gives me comfort.’
Tara, though never one to bite her tongue, seemed reluctant to answer. ‘I have no idea,’ she finally replied, though everyone knew her answer would be, ‘Nothing at all, lads. We just die. Worm food. Nothing more to it.’
Alex, normally good with words, found it difficult to find them. ‘It doesn’t matter what we all think. Whatever reassures you is all that matters.’
‘Becks?’ Erin asked. ‘Any thoughts? Reincarnation? Floating around space? Ghosts?’
‘For what it’s worth, I don’t believe that anything actually dies,’ Becky replied as she held on to Erin’s arm. ‘We have such energy that burns within us, carries us, defines us. Energy never dies, it just changes form. Your Scott, your love, isn’t in that jar. He isn’t anywhere because he’s everywhere. He’s free. And you need to be too. Energy goes on just as life must.’
‘Fuck. Forget what I said, I’d go with that,’ Tara mumbled, and Erin smiled.
‘But also ghosts,’ Becky added. ‘Definitely ghosts.’
As they stepped onto the sand and neared the shore, Erin stopped. ‘Give me a moment?’
Becky let go of her arm. ‘Love you, Erin.’
Erin walked towards the sea while the others stood behind, understanding that this moment was just for her. She walked until the cold water hit her ankles and she could firmly plant herself in the sand. Everything was so calm. So still. Hand on the lid, she felt her lip begin to wobble. ‘You loved it here,’ she said quietly. ‘And I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather come to remember you.’
