Then there was Marcus, the recently divorced sales manager who was obviously handling it well.
‘Yeah, I’ve never been to one of these events. It’s a lot easier to just meet someone at work and start an affair with a guy called Adam who drives a piece of shit Punto.’
I smile awkwardly as the reason for his divorce becomes clear.
‘Sophie, huh? My ex-sister-in-law’s name is Sophie. Absolute bitch.’
The only yes tick of the evening belonged to Martin, an orthodontist with a quiff and pet dad to two Bengal cats.
‘Fred and Ginger. They shout a lot.’
I don’t tell him that I stopped wearing my retainers four months after my Invisalign treatment during lockdown because I have more money than sense apparently.
He was funny, sweet and I get the feeling that he also ticked yes. How exciting.
By the time my last potential boyfriend sits in front of me, I’m glad it’s coming to an end.
I’m just finishing putting a big fat X alongside Richard, a bus driver who rudely sat so far away from me there might as well have been a Perspex window between us. Maybe I should have tapped my Oyster card on his head.
‘Nice to meet you. I’m—’
My stomach drops into my shoes. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. ‘Hi, Eddie.’
Why is this happening? If this man and I had any kind of chemistry, it would have shown itself by now. Shit. I cannot leave. Unlike Kieran, I cannot hide under the table and look for my pen. I’m screaming inside. Right now even Jasper is a more attractive prospect.
‘Sophie!’ he exclaims, his annoying face breaking into a grin. ‘I didn’t recognise you with your hair down.’
While it’s true my hair is usually pulled back into a bun for work, my face is exactly the same as it was last week. He, on the other hand, has decided to spray tan himself into a living, breathing, walking carrot. I just smile. I still have to be pleasant to this man for work, no matter how odious I find him.
‘My app not good enough for you?’ He laughs at his own joke before lifting his beer towards his unfunny little face.
‘I could ask you the same,’ I reply. ‘All those new sign-ups you’re about to get. I thought you’d be straight in there.’
His face falls. ‘It wouldn’t be ethical. Companies have been sued for. . .’
I zone out again as he quotes statistics and some sort of ethics code regarding client privilege like he’s some big-time lawyer. What a load of crap. He’s not on the site because, just like me, he knows it’s terrible. Besides, he’s almost forty and probably too old for that Gen Z market he’s so keen to target with his new sexy logo.
‘Quite right,’ I reply. ‘It would be unprofessional mixing business with pleasure. Glad we’ve established that before we both divulge anything too private here.’
‘Yes. . . well, I mean, let’s not be too hasty—’
‘So happy you agree! That’s a weight off my mind. Small talk only. Right,babe?’
He nods reluctantly.
‘So, tell me, Eddie, what was the last book you read?’
Chapter 7
The next morning I log on to the speed dating website and enter my details. Maybe that shitshow will have been worth it after all. It takes a second to load while I plan what to wear for my second date.
No matches. None. Zero. Zilch.
I refresh the page. Still nothing. Is this a mistake? I mean, to be fair, the only man I said yes to was Martin and his cat family, but even he couldn’t bring himself to go on a second date with me. Rude. I hated that quiff anyway.
‘I don’t get it,’ I tell Naomi. ‘We had a perfectly decent chat. No weird silences. I made him laugh. He has Bengals, for God’s sake! Those cats would have been worshipped, despite what that prick Jasper said.’
‘What did he say?’
