And then ran.
*
I was numb as I sat on the train heading to my office. My palms and knees were burning, but they felt like someone else’s body parts. Two images were seared behind my eyelids: Marcie, white as a statue, screaming at me, and Nick with his golden torso locked in an embrace with her.
All day, I tried not to think about Marcie. But that night, after I’d had my dinner, I couldn’t stop myself from unpicking what I’d seen. The Nick thing didn’t matter. He was free to spend the night with whomever he pleased. The fact that he’d told me he loved me twenty-four hours ago didn’t matter. I’d rejected him, hadn’t I? And I didn’t regret it. I regretted thewayI’d rejected him, but that was a different thing altogether.
But that kiss in the karaoke booth...
Damn. Here I was again, letting Nick hog all my attention when there was so much more to be worrying about.
Poor Marcie. What the hell had I been thinking? Who was I to tell her how to feel?
An icy shiver ran up my spine. She’d tried to kill herself once. What if I’d given her the impetus to try again? How irresponsible I’d been.
It was a blessing Nick was there. He’d make sure she stayed away from razor blades or whatever else she might try to hurt herself with. If anything happened to Marcie I would never forgive myself.
There was that word again. Forgive.
But what did I know about forgiveness? How much of it had I shown Simon? Even when he was lying half comatose in a hospital bed?
I needed to ring him. I’d been a coward not to answer his calls.
‘I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you,’ I told him. ‘I was with Pete and Alice helping with their wedding prep.’ I crossed my fingers behind my back. He didn’t need to know that I’d spent half my evening crying at episodes ofQueer Eye.
‘Don’t sweat it. I’m sorry for putting you through last night. I was scared you wouldn’t want to see me.’ He sounded exhausted.
‘Never think that again. I’ll always be here for you.’
There was a pause at the other end. ‘I know I’ve been shitty, Frixie. I still hate myself. What can I do to make it up to you? You’re the most important person in the world to me.’
I found myself swallowing back tears and couldn’t speak.
‘Maybe I could come round tomorrow night. Cook you another moussaka?’
‘I’ve got Alice and her friends coming round for a girly pre-wedding get-together. Sorry.’
‘What about in the afternoon? I could help you set up?’
He sounded so sincere and so desperate to see me – how could I refuse?
