‘No, I psychoanalysed you from being your flippin’ brother.’
Was he right? Deep down, did I not believe in love?
I’d made jokes with Simon about love being for suckers, but if Pete thought it too, then perhaps I needed to address this. Maybe he had a point – I’d mucked up my chances with Nick in a way that bordered on sabotage.
‘I guess it’s a form of self-protection.’
‘A healthy dose of scepticism is a good thing, if you ask me. I’d rather have a sister who was cautious about romance than one who fell for every muppet who turned up with a bunch of petrol-station flowers. You’d sooner kick a boy’s arse than let him break your heart. And thank fuck for that. It cuts down on the number of arses I need to kick on your behalf.’
*
A little later, I was heading home. But as the bus wheezed back to Shepherd’s Bush, I was starting to feel less and less satisfied with my playlist idea. Maybe we’d have to resort to that for a bit of Greek music, but surely I could find a band to fill in for the main gig? I knew enough of them. I had just over eighteen hours. Someone out there owed me a favour or two.
I must have rung twenty managers, promoters and musicians. Then I roped Mike, Gav and Lucy into it, and they promised to make a list and share phone duties. Altogether, we must have spoken to over fifty people.
When I was in professional mode, I got shit done. It wasn’t lost on me that there was a personal issue I was too chicken to address. But after I’d done all my ringing round, I felt wide awake and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. It wasn’t quite eleven o’clock – not so late that I couldn’t ring Simon. I wasn’t sure what I would say exactly but there was an itch in me to speak to him and I knew that I wouldn’t sleep till I had.
I suddenly worried that maybe itwastoo late to call, so I sent a text instead.
Can you talk?
To my relief he texted straight back.
Need some company? I can be over in 10.
For once, I didn’t spend the next few minutes worrying about the tidiness of my flat, or how I looked. I spent the time trying to work out what I needed to say.
It was now or never.
‘Nice flowers,’ said Simon, as I led him into the living room exactly seven minutes later. He must have left his place as soon as he sent that text. Seven minutes had been precious little time to figure out what needed to be said – I was going to have to wing it.
‘Thanks,’ I said, admiring the bouquet of roses and lilies – a present from Alice for the Greek dancing lessons. ‘Can I get you a drink?’
Simon shook his head. ‘I’m glad you texted. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.’
I held up my hand. ‘Would you mind if I said a few things first?’ I swallowed, and I could tell from Simon’s expression that he was nervous. It was reassuring, in some ways, because my heart was knocking weirdly in my chest. Like I was having a bout of stage fright.
I twisted in my seat, my eyes focused on Simon, who was sitting upright on the sofa opposite. ‘When I came round that morning and told you we couldn’t be together, there was something I should have said. Something you tried to admit, but I wasn’t ready to hear.’
He nodded, and I went on. ‘The whole time you were telling me you felt something for me, you were hedging your bets and telling Jessica the same too. And when we kissed that night, we said we’d take things slowly. We never talked about it again, we never agreed to pretend it never happened. You decided that by yourself. And that hurt, Simon. Itstillhurts.’
His eyes were shining. I hated making him feel shitty, but if I didn’t vent these emotions they would fester. And I wasn’t prepared to hold onto this feeling, as if it were dirty or something I should be ashamed of.
I took a shaky breath before I continued: ‘You and I aren’t right for each other, I get that now. But that doesn’t mean that I can laugh off how you treated me. I’d like to think our friendship meant more to you than that.’
Tears were running down his face. ‘I never meant to hurt you, Frixie. Your friendship has always meant the world to me. For half my childhood, you were my only friend. You were a safe haven in the storm of my parents’ fucked-up marriage. Having you around made those years bearable. I can’t imagine what a mess I’d be now if we hadn’t moved into 27 Priory Lane.’
He smiled and I smiled too, because I couldn’t imagine what life would have been like if he hadn’t grown up next door either.
‘I behaved terribly,’ he said, sadly. ‘I know that now. I was so freaked out after Louise left me, it’s like I reverted to being a teenager again. Not thinking of anyone else. You’ve always been there for me, so I stupidly assumed...’
It was hard to listen to what he was about to say, so I said it myself: ‘You assumed that I’d always be here?’
He nodded glumly. ‘I’m so ashamed of myself.’
‘When it comes to you, I was a glutton for punishment. It was hard seeing you with Jess, worse even than seeing you get married and having to put on a brave face and congratulate you.’
‘I wish I’d known.’
‘I should have said something. But I wasn’t brave enough.’
His eyes widened in surprise. ‘Zoë Frixos, you’re the bravest person I know.’
We both started bawling after that. But they were happy tears. I was a bit worried we’d wake up Mrs Hargreaves downstairs, but thankfully there was no angry knock at the door.
