She thought she was such a comedian. ‘He was joking,’ I said.
‘So, how long have you been going out?’
I blinked. Did she mean me and Nick? Her watery eyes were wandering from him to me, so I guess she was addressing us.
‘Jess—’ said Simon, but she didn’t let him finish.
‘They’re so cute together, don’t you think?’ She was in a world of her own. ‘They both have that dark, Mediterranean look.’
I was about to put the record straight, but then our starters arrived and the moment passed.
‘This looks amazing,’ said Simon, eyeing his scallops. My salad seemed to feature eight different types of tomato.
‘Bon appetit,’ said Nick, before picking up his knife and fork.
Only Jess didn’t react; she hadn’t seemed to notice her food. She’d gone pale and was staring straight ahead, like she’d seen the ghost of dead guitarists past.
‘Are you all right?’ I said, but I didn’t get to finish the sentence. Jess clamped one hand on her mouth, pushed Simon to one side, and threw up into the ice bucket.
I froze, transfixed, as much by the sounds she was making as the sight of her. She sounded like a weightlifter hefting a barbell that weighed a tonne.
A hush descended, which only made Jess’s moans echo louder. Simon, bless him, was the first to react. He put his hand on Jessica’s back and asked if she was okay.
It was a bit of a moot question, and one she was too busy to answer, as a second wave of her stomach contents splattered into the ice bucket. With a bottle of wine and all the ice cubes, I was impressed nothing had spilled out. If you’re going to hurl in a Michelin-starred restaurant, that was the way to do it. It was pretty rock and roll.
People at other tables had swivelled round to get a better look at the entertainment offered at ours.
I felt bad for Jess. I mean, it was self-inflicted – she’d clearly drunk way too much – but whenever anyone threw up in public I always had a ‘there-but-for-the-grace-of-God’ moment.
‘Maybe we should get Jess out of here,’ I said.
Simon gave me a grateful glance, and helped her to her feet.
‘I’ll get her home,’ he said.
It was the right instinct and incredibly noble, but I was still a bit crestfallen. We hadn’t talked properly; I’d hoped we could ditch Jess and Nick after dinner and the two of us could go somewhere quieter afterwards, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen.
A couple of waiters appeared, and once they’d ascertained that Jess wasn’t in immediate need of the ice bucket, they magicked it away. We’d have to tip them extra for that.
‘I’ll settle the bill,’ said Nick.
‘Tell us how much we owe you,’ said Simon, who was now standing and supporting Jess with both arms.
Nick nodded, and Simon and Jess hobbled out. I thought it only fair to wait with Nick.
‘Well, that was... a surprising turn of events,’ I said. ‘And a little bit funny.’
‘Alcoholism is a disease.’
He’d said it with a straight face. Was he serious? ‘The girl had a couple of drinks too many,’ I replied. ‘That doesn’t make her an alcoholic... And don’t tell me you’ve never overdone it,’ I added. ‘The holier-than-thou act doesn’t suit you.’
‘Of course I’ve overdone it before. But I choose my time and place.’
He was starting to wind me up now. ‘Look, as far as Jessica knew, she was having dinner and drinks with friends, so stop being a Judgey McJudgey Pants. It’s not like she threw up at a palace garden party.’
I reached for my drink, then stopped myself. Nick’s mineral water seemed to mock my half-empty glass of wine.
‘Do I have to remind you that right now, she was supposed to be on stage in Camden?’ he said. ‘Granted, it’s not Wembley Stadium, but if she wants to build a following, she can’t treat her fans like that. This business is not forgiving.’
