I smile. ‘It was, but I’m also pleased it happened because I didn’t used to think Mark was a good person, but I realise now that he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met.’
‘Best how?’
‘He’s got a strong sense of right and wrong. He stands up for what he believes and he really makes me laugh. He defends my parents without ever coming across like a kiss-arse and adores my brother and sisters even when they drive me up the wall.’
‘He doesn’t have his own sibling any more. Or much other family.’
‘Yes, it seems obvious now, but he made me value the things I took for granted, not by lecturing me, but showing me with his actions. Rich never gelled with my family and was often reluctant to spend time with them. It meant I gradually drifted away from them. I never want to take them for granted again, and that’s all down to Mark.’
‘He sounds like a nice man.’
I laugh. ‘Yeah, it’s so weird to think that the first word you might reach for to describe Mark Marino is “nice”.’
‘Why is that weird?’
‘Because all my life his name has been synonymous with “unpredictable”, “unreliable”, and “downright scary”.’
Selma nods like I’ve just revealed something very telling.
‘He’s the sort of man you could fall for because he’s so heart-stoppingly gorgeous. What am I supposed to do now that I know that, in addition to all that superficial stuff, he’s got all these other amazing qualities, too?’
‘Why do you find it so difficult to admit to liking him?’
‘Because it would never work between us. The ghost of his brother would always hang over us. Leo’s the reason I became a therapist and the reason Mark became a heart surgeon.’
‘It doesn’t sound that Leo is coming between you, it sounds like he unites you.’
Her words make me freeze. She’s got everything backwards. Hasn’t she?
‘I’m not sure I see it like that.’
‘How does Mark see it?’
I frown. ‘He might not have an issue with my past with Leo, but I do.’
‘But you just told me how much you trust Mark’s moral compass.’
I shake my head, trying to order my thoughts.
‘In this one area, it’s difficult for me to agree with him. I cheated on Leo with Mark. I don’t want to be with someone who reminds me of the thing I’m most ashamed of doing in my life.’
‘You were very young. What would happen if you try to have a little compassion for your younger self?’
I don’t have an answer to that.
She tries another tack. ‘Is there a chance you’re using Leo as an excuse? Are there any other reasons why you might be scared to give Mark a chance?’
‘I’ve just ended one relationship. I don’t have the head space for another.’
‘And yet you’re here because your head is full of Mark.’
Another point I can’t argue with.
‘I’m still shaken by the break-up with Rich. It made me seriously question my own judgement. I look back at our relationship and can’t believe how many red flags I missed. What sort of couples’ counsellor am I if I can’t choose the right partner for myself? I can’t make the same mistakes again.’
‘So, let me make sure I’ve understood you properly. You feel the weight of getting your next relationship right because you’re a therapist. A big part of your identity is advising other people about their partners.’
‘Yes, exactly.’
