Every person in my family offered to come to the hospital, but the thought of Harvey chaos in this delivery room made me dizzy, so Barry told them we’d call them when we were ready for visitors.
This did not include Kate, though, who I did want around very badly, at least for a little while.
Kate showed up after nine with my hospital bag, burritos for Barry, chia pudding and fruit for me, plus three new baby outfits that were smaller than the newborn ones we had packed. Kate and I both cried about how cute and tiny they were and when I looked at Barry, his eyes were wet too.
My sister was nothing if not helpful, brushing and braiding my hair, getting us both water, and making sure I was as comfortable as possible. As stressed as she always was, she seemed calm. Pretty sure it was a front to keep us as chill as possible, which was working, so I didn’t mention it.
I was distracted with the ordeal of active labor, all the things I didn’t feel prepared for, the ways my life was eminently about to change forever, but my mind kept returning to my hand over Barry’s heart—you fill up every bit of space in my chest.Did he know I felt the same? Did he think there was a world where I couldn’t love him when he was so painfully wonderful?
The contractions were closer together now, only seven hours in, and I knew it wasn’t going to be long—I didn’t know how I knew, but I did. It wasn’t going to be a full day of labor, this baby was comingsoon,and suddenly the itch to tell Barry how I felt was screaming and urgent. What if he didn’t know? What if this baby was born and he didn’t know that I loved him entirely?
“Can we have a minute?” I asked, abruptly interrupting the conversation Barry and Kate were having. I didn’t know what it was about, but they both cut off and looked at me with eyebrows raised. I clarified. “Barry and me.”
“Of course,” Kate said. She squeezed my shoulder andscooted out of the room without a second thought, and this is why she was the person in my family I thought should be allowed in the room.
Barry stood at the head of the raised bed and picked up my hand. “What’s wrong?”
I blinked at him, formulating and reformulating my words, only to indeed be interrupted by a contraction. It wasn’t so painful anymore as much as a wild amount of pressure going on in my lower abdomen. He squeezed my hand through the almost full minute of the contraction, and I panted lightly when it was through.
“You’re doing really good, sweetheart.” He smoothed my sweaty hair off my forehead.
Sweetheart.
“I’ve been so stupid,” I said without preamble.
“What? Don’t say that. You’re doing great, she’s almost here.”
“No, that’s not what I meant—I have been stupid withyou. You are so good, Barry, I can hardly believe it,” I said. His confusion bordered on distress, but I carried on because it was all I could do. “I’ve been pushing you away not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because I’ve been terrified.”
He was taken aback. “Hannah, we don’t have to talk about this right now?—”
“I want to, Barry, please.”
He closed his mouth and nodded slightly for me to continue. I took a centering breath.
“I love you,” I said. “So much. I really, really love you. I’ve been trying to keep you at bay because the thought of having you and losing you felt worse than never having you at all, but I was wrong. I was deeply fucking wrong.”
“Han…”
I took his hand and held it to my chest, just like he’d done earlier, only my skin was clammy under my hospital gown.
“Loving you has never been my problem. I just thought I wasprotecting myself by not letting myself have you, but it was only hurting me worse.”
Barry swiped a tear from my cheek. I didn’t know when I’d turned into such a crybaby, but he really brought it out of me.
“I love you,” I said again, quieter, because he still hadn’t said anything.Say it back,I wanted to beg.Please just say it back.
Barry’s throat dipped with a gulp before he spoke.
“If you let me love you, that’s it, Hannah. I’m following you around forever. It’s going to bereallydifficult to get rid of me if you let me love you.”
“I want to,” I said. “Even if there wasn’t a baby, I would want it to be you.”
“Thank fuck,” he muttered and crouched to kiss me. I’m sure my lips tasted like tears, but he pressed long kisses against them, anyway.
I felt like we still had a lot of ground to cover here, but another contraction came, longer than the last, and I had the overwhelming urge to push.
“Not to alarm you, but I think it’s time,” I said after the contraction stopped. He did look alarmed, but he wiped the fear from his face before replacing it with level-headed determination. He clicked the button to call for the nurse like we were told to do and pressed another hard kiss to my forehead.
