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I nod. Yeah. I’m sure it will.
***
Ceecee’s tear-stained face breaks my heart. “Why? Did I do something wrong?”
This is not how I expected things to go. It happened so differently in my head. In my stupid, stupid head. I move to hug her, but she backs away from me. Tina and Nik immediately start trying to explain. “No, Angel! Most definitely not. We love you!”
“Aww, Cricket. You know that’s not it.”
Her breath hitches from crying. She whispers a mournful, “I don’t want to leave. I love it here.”
I try to be the voice of reason. “Baby, we can’t live here forever.”
She looks up at me and snuffles, “I don’t want to be alone.”
I smile down at her, although my heart has effectively been ripped from my chest. “It’s not like we’re going to be far. We’re just across the street. You can come here anytime you like.”
I’m not prepared for her anger. “Then you go!” She turns and wheels away from me. Just as she hits the hall, she calls out, “Go, if you want! I don’t care!” Her killer blow makes me wheeze out a breath. “I don’t need you anyway.”
Nik moves toward me, his face full of sympathy. I hold my hands up in warning. I don’t want anyone near me right now. I look down to the floor and make an escape to the courtyard. I walk halfway down the steps and take a seat, closing my eyes, taking in the evening breeze. A sigh escapes me.
Have a kid, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.
A humorless chuckle rumbles deep in my throat. I stay on the steps for a long time, hours even, and I still can’t figure out what the fuck I can do or say to comfort my baby.
Sometimes, life is hard.
Chapter Five
Helena
This morning was as uneventful as originally planned. And by uneventful, I mean crying relatives, rushing to the airport, and an awkward goodbye to my eldest sister.
I woke at five am, had a shower, and ate a small breakfast of toast and coffee. My bags, already packed, stood by the front door ready to go. The boxes of my things had left a week ago, and Nat called to tell me they had been received already. I thanked the gods of shipment for that. It really would’ve sucked to not have my things when I got there. Nat asked me if I wanted her to unpack the boxes, and I quickly yelped a no. Truth is, I didn’t leave my vibrator at home. For two reasons.
Reason one: My parents likely would have found it.
Ewww.
Reason two: I need it. It’s a part of my pre-bedtime ritual. It wears me out and helps me sleep. And while I have no boyfriend, or even a bed buddy, it’s coming with me. And I don’t need my sister seeing that shit.
Don’t misunderstand me. My sisters and I talk about sex, and we talk about it openly, but it’s one thing to talk about sex, and another thing to actually see a long, thick, purple glitter jelly dildo vibrator that your sister named Sir Squeal-A-Lot.
She doesn’t need to see that. No one needs to see that. I don’t need to see that. Why do you think I find my happy place in the dark before bedtime?
We rushed to the airport, where I lined up with the ten thousand other people who were travelling at the butt crack of dawn. I all but threw my suitcases at the poor attendant. I just wanted to get to New York already. I was excited. This was going to be a huge change for me. A good one, I could feel it. But, I may have left a small detail out when I spoke to Nat.
I may have told her I was arriving at six pm. Not midday. I’ll tell you why I did this. Firstly, Nat would’ve left work early to come get me, which would’ve been an inconvenience. Secondly, she would not have come alone. She would’ve brought all the girls and their guys, and it would’ve been made an event—something I don’t like at all. Thirdly, it may sound strange, but the first time in my new apartment, I’d like to be alone to get better acquainted with my new surroundings. And yes, I have visited Nat before, so I’ve seen the apartment, but I didn’t go through all of Nat’s drawers and cupboards.
I need a little me time.
As I said goodbye to my parents and held them tight, trying to memorize their smells, I was shocked to find I wasn’t even sad about leaving. I would’ve thought I’d have shed a tear or two, but no. After my parents, I stood in front of Nina. She placed her hands in her pockets and looked down at the floor, avoiding my eyes. Nina is never emotional.
Never.
Not. Ever.
It should’ve had me worried, but it might make me a shitty sister to say it made me happy. I think I melted the ice queen. She cleared her throat. “You got everything you need?”
