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I think my cat is the devil.
I’m not an expert on the matter, and I will consult with a veterinarian, but I don’t think it’s normal for a cat to try to assassinate its owner. Repeatedly. I close my eyes and cry as I wait for my back to stop aching, but it’s futile. It’ll be aching all day. It’s bruised. I know it. A little rough tongue licks my nose. I push him away gently. “Dude, stop licking my boogers.”
He purrs and rubs his head against my chin. I still and ask hopefully, “So, we’re friends now? No more funny business, right?” He settles in the crevice between my neck and chin, purring all the while, and I sigh in relief. “Thank you, Lord.” Okay. If he’s cute like this most of the time, I won’t have to find a new home for him.
Reaching up, I pat his little back. His purr deepens. I lie back, savoring the sweet-kitty side of Tedwood I know won’t last. “This is the calm before the storm, isn’t it?” I ask him. His back arches and he hisses in response.
Yep. That’s what I thought.
***
Helena
As I walk down the block to work, I call Nat. She answers on the first ring. “Sup, dawg?”
Sounding more like a junkie than intended, I whine, “I need you to hook me up. I need a fix, and I need it soon.”
Silence, then, “And what will you do for me?”
I think hard. I shrug, even though she can’t see it. “I don’t know. I’ll cook for you.”
She scoff
s. “Bitch, please. I cook better than you do.”
Damn. She doesn’t lie. I’m getting desperate. I all but shout into the cell, “I’ll do anything! What do you want?”
She grumbles into the phone and I know she’s thinking. After a moment’s thought, she answers, “Clean my place.”
I blink. Is she fucking serious? I am nobody’s maid! I respond louder than expected, “Fuck you, bitch!” The man walking next to me glares at me. I cover the bottom-half of the cell and mutter, “Oh, don’t worry. It’s just my sister.” I didn’t realize it was possible, but he actually looks more disgusted as he walks away. Offended at his misplaced revulsion, I call out to him, “Well, fuck you too!”
Nat chuckles. “Ah, New York.” Then she bursts into song, “It’s a hell of a towwwwwnnnn!”
I can’t help but laugh with her. “I probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“Meh. He’ll get over it.” She allows a moment’s pause before trying again. “So you cleaning my place, or what?”
I sneer. “Hell to the no. I’ve heard you and Ash in action. No way I’m cleaning up after that. I’d require a hazmat kit!”
She sniffs. “You act like you’ve never come into contact with jizz before. Since when are you a prude?”
Since college.
I laugh humorlessly. “I am not a prude. Never was.”
She returns with, “When’s the last time you got laid?”
July 4th, 2010. It was a Sunday. The weather was superb; the sun shone all day long. “I don’t know the exact date!”
“If you’re talking the date, it was longer than a year ago.”
My nose bunches. “You’re way off.”
She lets out a sound of exasperation. “Okay, whatever, you don’t have to clean the whole place, just the bathroom.”
“Yeah, I’m hanging up now.”
My finger is just about to hit the end button, when she sighs. “Fine. You get a free pass. This time. I’ll send you the details.”
