Forgotten? Not in a thousand lifetimes. “Totally slipped my mind,” I tease. “You’re going to have to remind me.”
“Can I kiss you first?”
“You don’t normally ask.”
With a breathy laugh, Neil leans his forehead to mine. I close my eyes, letting the park and the people behind us spin away. I feel the sensation of his mouth before it happens, a ghostly brush of cold lips, a tentative tongue. I thought I’d already had the perfect kiss, our very first, outside the cinema. But Neil’s lips are like a thriller movie with a twist; I think I know where the kiss is going and then his mouth curves, a breath catches, and suddenly it’s something else—deeper, more layered entirely.
“I love you, rash whisperer,” he says when he eventually pulls away. “Head over heels.” He brings my hand to his mouth, kissing the knuckles one by one. “In fact, there is not a head over heels in the world that covers how fucking comprehensibly I’m head over heels with you.” His lips are gentle enough to make me shiver. “And maybe you don’t know yet if you could ever love me like that. I think you could, given time, but I’d understand if you don’t want to. Because who wants to saddle themselves with a guy who’s soon not going to be able to navigate his own way from the Tube station, or read the specials menu in a restaurant, or notice when he’s got snot hanging from his nose?”
Warmth blooms in my chest, sudden and dizzying. When I open my eyes, his beautiful caramel ones are waiting for me, clear and steady. Eyes crammed full of love and understandingand maybe fear too. But also full of stars and sunshine and hope, no matter what his future holds.
Neil’s asking who’s going to be there and love him for the little things. The quite mornings, the late evenings, the films, the routine meals, the shared box of Maltesers.
“Me,” I answer, and it’s the easiest answer to any question I’ve ever been asked. “I love you like that already.”
EPILOGUE
ONE YEAR LATER– NEIL
We’ve spent almost a year building up to the big event, planning, preparing, imagining how it would all unfold. The hard work is going to pay off; I feel it in my bones. Heaven & Earth will reopen with a bang and will bang every night. The money’s not yet rolling in, but I’m still riding a high, zinging with energy. And thank goodness. If I wasn’t, then the contrast between my mood and Luke’s might not be profound enough for a simple guy like me to pick up on. But it's clear as day; my sensitive, lovely boyfriend is softly crashing and doing his utmost to hide it from me. For sure, my vision no longer reads the rhythm of his face as well as it did, but I’m as in tune with the touch, taste, and sound of my man as if I had a dozen sets of X-ray eyes in the back and the sides of my head.
I mostly sleep at his place, these days. He’s moved a few things around to make his flat more friendly for the visually impaired. I can’t fault his drawer layouts, his uncluttered spaces, or his tactile labelling. His deck’s not bad, either.
“Are you coming back here tonight?” Luke asks sleepily as my morning alarm sounds. “You don’t have to; I know stuff is still wild at work. I’ll be okay.”
“Do you want me to?” Looking directly at his pale, pinched face, I’ve already made up my mind.
He hesitates, thinking it through, weighing his answer as if he wants to get it right. We’re much more honest with each other these days. “Yeah.”
“Then I am. I just need to pop in for a few hours.” I kiss his cheek and tuck the duvet tighter round him. “Go back to sleep. I’ve put your meds out on the side for when you wake.”
While he drifts away, I fire off a voice message to Ezra, explaining my plans for today, tomorrow, and who knows after that. Luke’s downers aren’t a secret. This is the second we’ve been through together. My love and care aren’t deterrents or cures, but they help him feel less alone and see which way is up, even from down in the deep dark depths where the mushrooms grow. That’s how I see it, anyhow. I like to think what we have is a damned good reason for him to want to take the next breath.
By the time I return, he’s still half asleep. Stripping down to my T-shirt, I shuffle around in the bed a bit until his head rests on my chest. With my arms around him, counting each slow, soft intake of breath, I hold him like the treasure he is. Though I’m over grieving the old Neil and his unthinking, sighted existence, I have plenty of obstacles ahead to still worry about. But not seeing Luke’s beautiful face ever again, as my vision deteriorates, isn’t one of them. I simply close my useless, ornamental eyes, and he’s forever there, smiling at me. Leading me by the hand.
THREE MONTHS LATER– LUKE
The grand opening of the reconfigured Heaven & Earth feels likeit’s never going to arrive. Then, of course, it comes all at once in a mad flurry of late nights and frantic early mornings. For Neil and Ezra, anyhow. My role throughout is to feed my man, listen to him bitch about everything and everyone, and be there for the moments of self-doubt. Few and far between and only when his eyes frustrate him.
The afternoon before the opening, Neil gives me a tour. What with being ill, I’ve not been here for four months. To say it’s unrecognisable is an understatement; the new cocktail bar on the ground floor is fashion forward, moody, and unmistakably stylish. Not dissimilar to its proud owners. In contrast, downstairs is scuffed and casual, spilling over with unrefined attitude. Also not dissimilar to its owners.
Neil’s chuffed with the whole thing; swagger is a great look on him. Excitedly, he drags me by the hand in the direction of the toilets, of all places. I guess some habits never die.
“Check out this layout.” Half way there, he stops. “These routes here are the main ones to the bar and the bogs. The stools and tables in these areas are fixed, so they never end up in the path of someone visually impaired. Also, it means the layout can’t be changed, so someone—and by that I mean me—will always know exactly where these tables are. Oh, and feel this. Cool, huh?”
He rubs his booted foot across the floor tiles. I’d already commented on the attractive two-tone oak effect design as soon as I walked in. I hadn’t appreciated the way the darker tiles are stippled, so a person with a cane or poor vision can sense they’re on the right track.
“And these ones here match,” Neil adds with a grin, running his hand along a wall. “And the spotlighted area over here also explains the layout of the whole place in braille. There’s braille on all the major signs. The menus have audio and large print versions too. Check out this cocktail menu.”
I do, sliding the tip of my finger across the raised bumps. I listen to the audio too, on Neil’s phone, and admire the large print version.Thoroughdoesn’t even begin to describe it. The only questions people with low vision are going to have about the cocktail menu is the name of the gorgeous loopy font and the phone number of the sexy dude growling out the hundred different gin options.
Even the glassware is tactile, with Heaven & Earth engraved beautifully in braille on the side of each one. “It must have cost a bomb,” I comment. “Getting all this right.”
“Yeah, it did.” Neil sounds completely unbothered. “But Ez agreed we should go the extra mile, and…um…Derek was very helpful. There are business grants to help with stuff like this. He’s coming along tonight, bringing a couple of people from the meetings.”
“Be careful,” I tease, “you’re going to end up on one of their inspirational videos at this rate.”
He colours. “I have…uh…been approached.”
