She laughs. “Those are the ones I gave you, right,” she points out. “The big chunky black ones? I’m glad they were put to good use.”
I smile. “Okay, back to business,” I say. “We are a journaling club, not a gossip club,” I remind them as I tend to do often. I’m the unofficial head of the club.
“Does anyone have anything to share?” Gabbie asks. “I’ve been too busy.”
“Oh, we all know what you’ve been busy doing,” Corrie teases.
“I have something…” I chime in.
They all study me curiously, knowing that I’ve gone through a lot lately and probably need to share. I dig out my notebook, the one with the panda on it, and flip it open to my latest entry. I start off slowly…
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. –Robert Frost
Dear Journal,
Sometimes life throws you off. It holds your hand kindly as you walk side by side, and one day, for no reason whatsoever, it jerks its hand away and shoves you. Life is cruel that way. It could be the loss of a job you love, the illness or passing of someone who means the world to you, or possibly a broken bone, an injury, or even a life-threatening disease.
I thought my life was perfect. I just didn’t see it clearly, didn’t see the bumps and cracks. I looked at it through rose colored glasses. I chose not to see its imperfections. But it all came to a head and threw me for quite the loop.
First, it was the loss of my job. Then the man, whom I thought was the love of my life, abandoning me at the altar, and now the final closure of that relationship. Seven years I’ve devoted to this man, and it all feels like wasted time. I feel older, I feel like I’m running out of time, and I’m so angry. How dare he take those years from me. Take my youth.
Some might think that I should have held on, tried harder. Some might say I should simply resume my old life, buy the perfect house with the picket fence, have a few kids, bake muffins, cheer at soccer games, a smile plastered on my face, pretending that he didn’t completely break my heart, pretending that he makes me feel beautiful, smart, and loved when he doesn’t. Pretending that we’re happy.
I deserve more than that. Every single woman on earth deserves more than that.
I feel like I’m standing at the precipice of a cliff, just about to fall, struggling to retain my balance. All the while, winds are gusting around me, and my knees are starting to tremble. I don’t know if I can hold it together, if I can make all this work.
I need to look for a new job, and I’m not too certain where that is going. I need to find love again. Correction: I don’t need to. I just want to. I need to figure out what I want from life, in which direction I want to head.
Thankfully, I’ll always have my wonderful family and friends. Life is so much easier when you’re surrounded by people who care about you.
The future is uncertain, it always is. What a boring world it would be if it weren’t. Whatever choices I’ve yet to make, one thing I know for sure – I won’t walk the trodden path, the road that I’m supposed to take, the one I’m expected to follow. There’s only one person in this world who truly is looking out for me: and that’s me. And I’ll make the decisions that are right for me, and not simply what might be right in the eyes of others.
Later, Journal.
M
“Whoa,” Corrie cheers. “I fucking love that.”
“Yes, I loved that too,” Gabbie chimes in. “I loved the last bit… about doing what’s right for you, not what others think you should do. That’s exactly how I felt when I decided to leave John.”
“The start was beautiful,” Kayla says. “So true, how life can throw you for a loop.”
“And the bit about pretending… the house, the fake smiles, the loveless marriage,” Gabbie adds. “I’ve definitely been there.”
“I especially like the part about friends being the best thing in the world,” Corrie says. “You were talking about us, right?”
I laugh. “Of course.”
Yes, I was. My friends… What would I do without them?
