40
MADDIE’S WORDS HAVE REALLY shaken me. Maybe Blake cares more than he lets on. I’ve always assumed that this was just sex for him. I’m sure a guy like him doesn’t have too much trouble finding what he needs in the ladies department. What makes me so special? But could I have hurt him? I swing into town, have sex with him a handful of times, and tell him I’m moving to Chicago. That’s a little harsh when I think about it. If the roles were reversed, I’d be hurt, I’d feel used. Can men even feel used?
Hyde is sleeping at the end of the bed. He likes to sleep right on the corner, rolled up into a ball, with his white tipped tail tucked around him. He looks like a giant fuzzy eight ball. He actually matches the bedding; black and mocha satin. I bought this comforter a few years ago and spent a small fortune. I’m definitely taking it with me.
I’m tossing and turning so much, Hyde jumps off to bed and goes to slumber somewhere else. I just can’t get Blake out of my mind, and I know I won’t be able to sleep soundly until I’ve addressed this.
I turn on my bedside lamp, and reach for my phone. I tap eagerly…
Hey Blake, So I’m going to my interview next week. I just wanted to let you know that the week we spent together was the most amazing week of my life. You’ve always held a special place in my heart, you always will. You were my first love, perhaps my only love. I wish you the best, always. I just wanted you to know what you mean to me. You were not just a hook-up. You are so much more than that. You are my family, my friend, (and my enemy :) ), always.
xoxo, Freckles
* * *
I spendthe next three days obsessively checking my phone, expecting a reply from him.
Breakfast. Check phone. Shower. Check phone. Feed Hyde. Check phone. Read a little. Check phone. Pack my stuff for trip. Check phone. Sort and pack up my stuff into boxes (this is going to be a long slow process, but I do need to be out of here shortly… a lot of my stuff will be donated to Goodwill.) Check phone. Lunch. Check phone. Walk. Check phone. Paint toe nails. Check phone. Pack some more. Check phone. Flip through Cosmo. No, I don’t want better orgasms. My orgasms are just fine, thank you. Check phone. Pet Hyde (he’s letting me pet him now. Yay!) Check phone. Text friends. Check phone. Feed Hyde. Check phone. Make dinner. Check phone. Eat dinner. Check phone. Clean up the kitchen. Check phone. Poop. Check phone. Watch Netflix. Check phone. Watch more Netflix. Check phone. Eat a bowl of ice cream. Check phone. Go to bed. Get out of bed and check phone. Three times.
I check myMomentapp just before finally going to sleep.
3h43m on your phone today. 46 pickups.
What the hell? How can this be?
Unfortunately, this day pretty much repeats itself three times. I’m so pathetic. I need to get a life. I really do need to ace this interview.
By the end of day three, I’m convinced that Blake hates me. I’m also angry. Why wouldn’t he reply? It makes no sense. Was he offended by my message? I’ve re-read it about a dozen times. There was nothing dismissive or offensive in it. I just don’t understand.
Finally, on Monday morning, three days before my interview, just as I’m coming back in from my daily walk, I pick-up my mail. My heart skips a beat when I see a letter from Blake. A good-old fashioned letter. I can barely make out his name, but his messy handwriting is unmistakable. I tear into the letter as I hop into the elevator. It’s written on plain lined paper.
Hey Freckles,
Thank you for your message. I was going to text back, but I had too much to say. I’m an old-school guy and I thought a letter might be fun, just like when we used to swap notes in class, and the teachers would get so mad at us. You used to plaster yours with girly stickers. I used to tease you about that, but I secretly loved them. Especially the ones that smelled like strawberries, they smelled like you.
The week we shared was the most amazing week of my life too, Freckles. I know you think I’m a big Casanova and that I’ve had sex with everyone in town, but it’s not true. Sure, I’ve been with my share of women, but no one has ever meant more than you. You were not just a hook-up for me either.
You will always hold a special place in my heart too. You were my childhood friend, my first love, actually my only love, and now my family. (Yeah, you said all this first but your words were so perfect, I had to repeat them.)
I only want the best for you, Maeve. You have always been special, brighter than most. You were never like the rest of us in this town. You’re classy, feisty, and smart as a whip. You’ve always wanted adventure, you were always a go-getter. Your family doesn’t want to hold you back, and neither do I. You belong in Chicago, a city full of culture, night life, and new experiences. (I’ve never been but I hear it’s great). You need to go on your adventures now and see the world.
Just know that no matter where you are, you’ll always be in my heart, Freckles.
Love, Blake
P.S. My cat is better than yours. :)
My heart is so full, it feels like it might burst. By the time I get back to the apartment, I’m in tears. Hyde studies me curiously. I’m tattered. I’m confused. I’m super happy. I’m also completely heart broken. So many mixed emotions take a hold of me, I feel like I might go crazy.
He loves me.
And I love him.
I’ve never said the words out loud, but just because they weren’t spoken, doesn’t mean they’re not true.
“Fuck, how am I supposed to go to Chicago now?” I ask Hyde.
He tilts his chin up again and studies me curiously.
