Dropped jaws all around. Yes, I’m the stupidest woman on the planet, I know.
“And what about Paris?” Maeve asks. “How was it?”
Corrie waves her hand. “Oh, too many people, rude servers, dog shit on the sidewalks, the usual.”
We all laugh out loud as the barista comes over reluctantly.
This promises to be another fun meeting.
Meeting up with my friends is great but unfortunately, I’m not quite there. I’m thinking about Oscar the whole time. About Danielle’s words. About Mom’s words. Panic sets in and my pulse races, the beating of my heart becomes noticeable. I’m caught with the sudden feeling that I am making the worst mistake of my life by not moving forward. I feel him slip from my grasp, and I imagine what that would be like. What would it be like if he found someone else, and had to let me go? Because he certainly would need to let me go if he ever were to get into a serious relationship. And ditto for me.
All this time, I’ve been worried about losing my best friend if we were to move forward. But the thing is, I risk losing him if we don’t. And how many people are lucky enough to marry their best friends?
I’m suddenly consumed with this urgent need to move forward. As much as I enjoy my friends’ company, I can’t wait for our get-together to be over.
As soon as we say our good-byes, I dash out of the café, and head across town to my favorite antique store. I’ve been in there more times that I can count — I know it like the back of my hand. And I know there’s a gorgeous silver man’s ring, etched with a cool design. I pray that the ring is still there as I scurry to my car and hop in.
If it’s not there, does that mean it wasn’t meant to be?
I shake my head. No, it doesn’t. It just means that someone’s bought it. It’s a gorgeous ring, so it wouldn’t surprise me at all. I cross my fingers and step on the gas pedal.
I almost forget my purse as I rush out of the car, completely flustered. I run into the store, and head right to the jewelry display. My heart sinks when I see that the ring is gone. I stand there, feeling hopeless, and study the jewelry. There are quite a few new pieces, and some old ones I recognize from before.
Wait… the ring is still there — they’ve just moved things around. My heart swells at the sight of it, shining under the overhead light. Mrs. Parker, the store proprietor notices me ogle the case. “Hello, Kayla. How are you?”
I grin from ear to ear. “I’m great. I’d love to see that ring, right there.” I point at it, eager.
“No problem, let me just grab the keys.” She turns on her heel and quickly scurries away.
I stare at the ring, imagining Oscar and I on our wedding day. I have no clue how I’m going to go about this, but the vision of us is perfect.
Mrs. Parker comes back and opens the case for me. She pulls out the ring carefully. “I’m told this is from the sixties,” she tells me. “It’s quite beautiful.”
I take it in my hands, and study it closely — the design circling it is amazing. I rub it between the pads of my fingers, feeling its cool hard curve — strong, good quality. The ring is quite large, which is great because Oscar’s hands are huge. I check the price tag again — it’s fifty dollars. “I’ll take it.”
Mrs. Parker beams. “Good choice.” She takes the ring from me. “I even have a pretty green velvet box for it.”
“Perfect,” I say, giddy.
Things are about to get real.
Love
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.— Lao Tzu
Nothing makes you more crazy,scared, happy, wild, mad… than love. Love makes the world go round, as they say.
Love is the most complicated, the most intense of emotions. It fills us, and breaks us too. It drives us. It inspires us. Some of the greatest poems were inspired by love, the most beautiful paintings, and the loveliest music. Wars were started… all because of love.
There are all kinds of love: romantic love, familial love, friendship love. What I have with Oscar is all of the above. I’ve been lying to myself for a while now, telling myself that he was just a friend. Just a good lay.
But he’s so much more than that. Why didn’t I see it before? Because I was scared to. Love is scary. Loving someone openly is making yourself vulnerable, risking heartbreak and loss. As much as someone loves you, they can never promise to always be there for you. The abandonment of my father has made me so scared to love, I’ve almost passed up the most wonderful chance to have love with Oscar.
It took being in Paris to open my eyes. Beautiful Paris. I think I needed to step out of my usual bubble, out of my comfort zone to finally see the truth.
I’m still scared. I don’t quite know how to deal with this sudden realization. But one thing’s for sure, I know I don’t ever want to lose Oscar. I want him to be part of my life forever.
I can finally imagine what it would be like to share a life with him, and to have babies. I might love our children so much, I might just explode. Can my heart take that kind of intensity? My heart is fragile. It’s been bruised, cracked, and I tend to it carefully. But I truly believe that it is safe in Oscar’s hands.
I’ve never truly given my heart to anyone before. I think it may be time.
