15
HE CLOSES THE DISTANCE between us and presses his full mouth on mine. My lips are already parted and they welcome his eagerly. I press the palm of my hand against his stubble as we deepen the kiss. I feel it all the way down to my core — he’s a great kisser.
But this is Matt Moore.
I tear myself from him. As great as it feels, I don’t want to kiss him. “I’m sorry,” I mutter, not quite looking at him. “I should go.”
He backs away. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have moved so fast. I just really like you, Kayla.”
I shoot him a tight smile as I walk away and wave goodbye. I don’t look back as I climb up the stairs, and pull at the heavy door. The stairs creak loudly as I make my way up to my apartment. I turn and wave goodbye one last time.
Forgiveness
To err is human; to forgive, divine.— Alexander Pope
Forgiveness is tricky.It’s something you don’t want to do, especially if you’re stubborn. But it’s also something you do for yourself, as well as for the other person. There’s nothing worse than that constant weight in your heart, a black blemish that can easily be erased with the words “I forgive you.”
You don’t necessarily need to say those specific words out loud. Sometimes it’s just a matter of sending a quick friendly text, making a phone call, or sending a birthday card. The other person will understand that you’ve forgiven them. They will be thrilled but won’t thank you. It’s something communicated without words.
And you’ll experience a new weightlessness, a feeling of freedom. You’ll have essentially freed yourself from the anger, the negative emotions, and the guilt. Holding on to a grudge is painful, and as soon as you let go, your pain eases. Holding a grudge probably hurts you more than it hurts your offender.
I’ve always believed in forgiving. It’s just the kind of person I am. I’ve never held on too long to grudges, but this thing with Matt is different. He really hurt me.
But he also helped me. He’s given me the motivation to reach higher, to prove him wrong. Without having gone through what I did in high school, I would not be the same person I am today. I wouldn’t be as strong or as fierce.
But he’s also made me cynical, and has done quite a number on my self-esteem.
Can I just pretend as if nothing happened? Easier said than done. Flashbacks keep creeping up at the most inopportune times; the taunts, the mocking, that wicked smile of his — still the same today. But perhaps he’s changed. Can a person really change? I’d like to think so.
Because it’s always what I do, because I have a tender heart, I know I’ll forgive him. And given the fact that he’s going to be my new brother soon, it’s in our best interest to get along. The last thing I want to do is stand in the way of my mother’s happiness.
Forgiveness is hard, but I think it’s worth the effort. Ultimately, when you forgive, you do yourself a favor.
* * *
I think about Oscar.I feel guilty. I know I’m allowed to see other men, to do whatever the hell I want. That’s the beauty of friends-with-benefits arrangements. But somehow, I feel like I’ve just cheated on him. And I know how he hates Matt.
I fiddle with the lock, only to discover that the door is unlocked. When I walk in, Corrie is sitting cross-legged on the plush sofa, and Oscar is leaning back in the leather arm chair.
Damn. Did they see?
Corrie is grinning from ear to ear. “You naughty girl.”
Fuck.
“What?” I say, attempting to act innocent.
“We saw you,” she tells me. “When I heard the car, I went to peek out the window. And when I saw him cuddle up to you, I called Oscar over. That was quite the kiss.”
Damn you, Corrie, and your fucking nosy ways.
Oscar is staring at the painting on the wall. The expression on is face is blank. He hasn’t looked my way once since I came in.
“Tell us everything,” Corrie coos. “I thought you hated that guy. You two’ve got a love-hate thing going? That’s hot.”
Oscar is still expressionless.
“Shut up, Corrie,” I say playfully as I peel off my scarf and jacket. “He’s not so bad, it turns out. We had a nice time, and thenhekissed me,” I point out. “I pushed him away.”
