He might as well have punched me in the gut. “Mistake?”
He shook his head furiously. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean mistake. You know what I meant.”
I nodded quietly. He was still holding my hand. We were both crying.
“I want to be in the baby’s life,” he said. “I’m not sure how we’ll deal, but we’ll find a way.”
I threw my arms around him and he squeezed me tightly. We were lost in that hug forever… until I had to pull away. I was going to be late for work.
On the bus to work, my head was whirling with what this all entailed. Would I drop out of school? Would Brian? How would I tell my mom? How would he tell his?
As soon as I stepped inside the library, I dashed to the washroom and vomited.
Thankfully, as it turns out, it was not the disaster we initially thought it might be. My mother did not react well. She threw me out of the house, and neither one of my sisters came to my rescue. Anika was in Africa building schools, and Sacha was still living at home, about to undertake her Masters. She was way too preoccupied with her own life to be concerned about mine. One thing’s for sure, everyone in the family was shocked — little uptight goody-goody Mischa was pregnant!
My relationship with my mom and sisters has been strained ever since. They didn’t support me when it really mattered. Why should they be in my children’s lives now? Brian and his family were all I had. And that still hasn’t changed.
Fortunately, Brian’s loving mother stepped up, big time. She let the both of us stay in the garage apartment. I finished my last year at college — I was as big as an elephant.
Brian’s mom was always there to help, and between the three of us, Brian was able to go to teacher’s college and pursue his dream of being a teacher. The band broke up, ironically not because of our situation. Kyle, the lead singer, moved to New York to pursue his music ‘more seriously’.
I stayed at home, in our small six hundred square feet apartment for a few years, and we both decided that we’d quickly give Trevor a little brother and sister, and then I’d go back to school. Shortly after Tristan was born, Brian got a vasectomy. I would have never pushed the issue, but he quickly agreed to it which I found surprising.
Brian’s mother, who was a retired teacher turned homemaker, looked after the kids while I furthered my studies, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful. I think the boys were better off being raised by their warm and motherly ‘normal’ grandmother anyway. She made muffins and homemade bread, played games with them and taught them a little Italian. She’s always loved those boys. By the time, I went back to college and started working, the boys were both in school. Brian’s mother saved my life.
I shake my head and focus on the show. The players are all struggling though an immunity challenge, climbing up ropes, sliding into tunnels, releasing a basket of bean bags which they will hit at a target to finally release a puzzle. The first one to complete the puzzle wins. The winner will win the immunity necklace and won’t be able to be voted out at the next tribal council — this is always the boys’ favorite part.
I struggle to focus on the happenings and enjoy my lollipop. This is all I need right now, right here. A fun show, a green apple lollipop and my boys. But unfortunately, I can’t stop thinking about Ava and Renee. They dance around in my head, they hop and sway, they sing along to the music, they shake their hips and flip their hair.
And the music is so, so loud.
14
I’m in bed, my body stretched next to Brian’s. I stare up into the darkness. I’m no longer consumed with Ava and Renee. I’m thinking about Joel now, about the way he looked at me when we said our goodbyes, when he asked me if we would see each other at his sister’s studio, if he would see me again. He has such beautiful and kind eyes — they tug at your heart, drawing you in until you’re flush against him, too close for comfort.
I toss and turn. To my surprise, Brian turns to me — I was sure he was sleeping. “You can’t sleep either,” he says quietly.
“No,” I say, my voice small. If he only knew the reason I can’t sleep.
He reaches a warm hand out and strokes the curve of my hip — I’m in nothing but my panties and a sheer sleeping top. “It’s been a while,” he says.
His touch affects me, just as it always has. Despite all I’ve learned this past week, I still want him. My body still aches for his. I remind myself that I’m not perfect either — I’ve had my secrets too. I reach for his chest and run my fingers down the ridges of his abs, my hand finally exploring his desire for me. He pulls me hard against him, and presses his hot lips to mine. I open my mouth for him, wanting our tongues to do their ceremonial dance before we make love.
He tugs at the band of my panties, desperate. He wants this as much as I do. I hook a finger in and help him along. He tears his mouth from mine, and travels down the length of my body, trailing kisses, all the while peeling my panties off. He slides his tongue up my sex, just once, teasing. This move always drives me wild, and he knows it.
Desire fills me as our bodies press together again. I feel the beat of my heart low in my core. I want this. Images of Joel fill my mind and I don’t push them away. I’ve had such a hard week, and I deserve this. I deserve to see what I want to see, and to feel pleasure at the skilled hands of my husband. All my anger and my worries are stashed away in a drawer, to be opened later.
There is only this moment, Brian’s touch, and Joel’s eyes.
I won’t feel guilty about this — it’s just a fantasy, and it’s the least I could give myself if I’m willing to forgive Brian’s deceit. I just want to get off, to reach that peak, to climb to that place where I forget everything, if only for a few seconds.
Our mouths still locked, I reach for Brian’s boxers. I reluctantly tear myself away to tug them off. When I’ve pulled them over his huge feet, I travel back up, climb on top and straddle him. When he rakes his hands through my hair, I’m brought back to the salon — Joel’s fingers digging into my wet hair, sending shivers through me.
As soon as he sinks into me, I close my eyes and enjoy the blissful moment. I indulge in Joel’s smile and warm eyes. They’ve stayed with me, like a beautiful painting you can’t forget.
Brian digs his fingers into the flesh of my hips and he thrusts deep into me. I press my hips hard against him, wanting him deeper. A shiver travels up my spine as I climb to my climax.
I’ve chosen to forget everything right now, but I know as soon as the pleasure recedes, I’ll be right back where I was.
