“It was. Totally. I’m so sorry. I don’t?—”
“I know Knox gave his version of events to Cap.”
She shut her mouth.
“And Cap gave them to you.”
She didn’t confirm or deny verbally, but I saw the confirmation in her eyes.
Right.
“You are absolutely correct. It was not okay I lied to your face for so long. But I did it because Knox asked me to. I’m in love with him, it was the last thing I could give him, that last thing we could share, so I agreed. Maybe you don’t think that’s right. I don’t even know if it was right. But even if I had it to live again, I’d probably do the same damned thing.”
Her eyes were full of hurt for me, and that was somewhere I couldn’t go because I felt it a hundred-fold, and I wasn’t about to burst into tears at the SC register, so I just kept talking.
“I’m not going to give you shit about how entirely fucked up it is you didn’t ask me where I was at before you let what you were feeling guide your mouth. I’m gonna let you sit with that. The other thing I’m not going to do is tell you my version. Knox clearly doesn’t feel this same way, but I actually give a shit what you all think of him. So even if he is what he is, we’ve become what we’ve become, and I already know I’m all kinds of stupid, I’m still going to keep being that and protect him from anyone knowing. Protect him from the peanut gallery having their takes on something that’s none of their business. I might someday change my mind, when it doesn’t hurt so damned much, but now, that’s where I’m sticking.”
“I…you…you’ve been crying.”
“That wasn’t you. It was him. We had it out last night like planned and it didn’t go well. He and I are done and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with it.”
Color ran from her face. “Done?”
“So very much done.”
“Since I don’t know your side, I can’t say, but from what I know, Loon, it really seems to me like you both need to try to park all the emotion that’s getting in the way and hear each other out.”
“We did that last night.”
She studied me closely as she said, “I don’t think so.”
“I do. And that’s all that counts in this scenario. Now, I’m still pissed at you because that was some bullshit yesterday. So you need to give me some space. And I’m pissed at the Angels because they went along with that bullshit of doing a job without me or even any input from me, so do me a favor. Get them to give me some space too. I’ll get over it. You know I will. But I need some time.”
“We can give you time. And I’ll give you time, but before I do that, I want you to know, I talked to Cap about what I said, also sharing how my mouth ran away with me when Harlow and Javi were going through their thing. He says he thinks it’s cool, how out there we are with each other. How we don’t let shit fester. He also thinks what I said to you was really not right, and he shared I need to get a handle on thinking before speaking. And he’s right. That’s twice I let my mouth run away from me, and I’m ashamed of the first time, I’m kicking myself I let there be a second.”
That meant a lot to me, but I wasn’t in the space to give her that verbally in the mo’.
Instead, I communicated it with my eyes (we were best bitches, we could do that kind of thing, and I could tell she got my message), before I said, “I’m going to karaoke, but not with you guys. Dream texted this morning. I’m third wheel on her date with Byron.”
She made a face.
I felt her reaction to my bones.
“I think she’s freaked out,” I explained. “Byron heard us talking about karaoke, suggested it to her, and she thought it was a good way to have a date without having too much pressure. How I factor in this, I can’t fathom. But I’m hellbent on the success of my We’re Gonna Be Functional Sisters If It Kills Me, Dammit Plan, so I’m going on a date with my grown-ass sister, mother of three children, like I’m some kind of regency chaperone.”
Raye pressed her lips together so she wouldn’t laugh.
At her reaction, I didn’t admit it then, but I felt some relief that little chat was over, and she knew we’d be all right.
However, she knew this because we always were.
That was true friendship. You didn’t get along every second. But after you didn’t, you sorted it out, gave a person you cared about space to be human and make mistakes, you both learned from it and moved on.
Not to mention, normally, this sitch with Dream and Byron was funny. If you weren’t the one who had to play third wheel on their date.
But the way my life was right then, I wasn’t laughing.
As such, I turned my back on my bestest bestie and walked away.
