Don’t. Cry.
‘Do you want me to send them away?’ she whispered.
Dad dismissed her with a wave, turning his back and whistling for the dogs to follow. ‘Do what you want,’ he muttered bitterly. ‘You always have, anyway.’
She wanted to hide, but where? The orchard was full of people expecting the best from her. The house wasn’t hers. She had nowhere to go.
Squeezing her eyes closed, she tried to focus on the stiff heat closing in. If she couldn’t have walls, at least there was this: muggy air and birdsong and soft mud beneath her wellies. She was fine. Upright. Her cheeks were dry, and she still owed it to Harper and Fraser, and to the farm, to go on.
No time to break.
She returned with her chin defiantly high, trying not to buckle under Cam’s knowing gaze.
‘I think we could both use a drink after this,’ Cam offered. ‘What do you say?’
Rae clutched the olive branch with both hands and a desperate nod, even if it had only been extended out of pity. ‘Yes, please. A drink sounds perfect.’
16
Cam set down a fishbowl-sized glass of white wine on the table in front of Rae. ‘I hope you know I intend to get us both sloshed.’
Rae was very, very okay with that. They sat under a red parasol in the beer garden of Turloch Corner Tavern, the sound of deep laughter and mindless chatter buzzing like wasps on all sides. Not the most peaceful of places to decompress, especially not with a dozen different perfumes and sun lotions mingling, but anything beat staying on the farm after Dad’s outburst. She needed time to collect herself before she talked to him.
‘Thank you.’ She took a long gulp. The dry, acidic taste hit the back of her throat, condensation rolling down the stem and over her fingers. She couldn’t remember the last time somebody had invited her out for drinks, and certainly hadn’t expected Cam to be the one to do it now.
‘Cheers,’ Cam said, guzzling her cider as she sat on the bench opposite. Her sunglasses hid her piercing blue eyes, which at least made being in her presence slightly less daunting.
‘Cam, I really am sorry if I made you feel abandoned in any way,’ Rae began, shifting on the hard wood nervously. She was desperate to clear the air with at least one person today.‘It wasn’t my intention, and it really wasn’t about picking sides. We were just young, and everything was so chaotic at that time. It still is.’
Cam twirled her glass between her fingers, mouth puckered with bitterness. ‘Look, as much as I’d like to blame you, it wasn’t all your fault. I didn’t reach out much, either. I think I’d already decided that you’d turn your back on me. Not that I have abandonment issues or anything.’
Rae smiled wryly. She and Cam had spoken many a time about their absent parents, with Cam’s dad leaving when she was just a toddler. ‘Itwasuncomfortable when you broke up. I didn’t know how to navigate it without leaving one of you out.’
‘I’m sure I didn’t make it easy for you. I’m not exactly the sunniest person to be around when I’m heartbroken. Or even when I’m not, to be fair.’
‘Can I be honest?’ asked Rae.
Cam nodded.
Rae took an extra sip for courage, focusing on the group of men sitting behind Cam, who were providing plenty of entertainment to the surrounding patrons. One of them played the hand drums on another’s bald, sunburnt head while their lead vocalist crooned ‘Come on, Eileen’ into his beer bottle, now a makeshift microphone. For the first time, she realised how much she’d missed Scotland.
And how much she’d missed her old friends, Cam included.
‘A lot of the reason I didn’t reach out more was because I didn’t think you’d want me to.’
Cam frowned, opening her mouth to protest, but Rae needed to get this out first.
‘I’m going to sound like a sad sap, now, but… I’ve never really thought of myself as someone people would miss when I’m not around. It’s not an excuse, but I hope maybe it’s an explanation.’ She cleared her cracked throat. ‘I’ve done the same thing with Martha. She has this great girlfriend she’s absolutely obsessed with, and I think subconsciously I just assumed that made me unimportant, so I stopped reaching out. Add to that the fact that I get so overwhelmed by whatever it is I’m chasing that it’s like my blinkers are on and I can’t see anything else but what I have to do to get where I need to be. I’m scared one day I’ll stop and realise I’m just meant to be alone.’
‘You’re right. You do sound like a sad sap.’ Cam smirked lopsidedly, flicking the beer mat at Rae. ‘But I think I get it. People drift apart. Sometimes it’s easier to let it happen, especially when you’re nineteen and trying to figure out what the fuck you’re supposed to be doing with your life.’
‘I suppose we were too young to have an actual conversation about it,’ agreed Rae. Her dad’s harsh words still caged her chest shut, but she felt a sliver of relief now that she’d voiced those silly insecurities. She didn’t know when she’d decided that she wasn’t important to people. Perhaps when Mum left at a time when Rae still needed her. Perhaps when Martha started dating and Rae noticed how that impacted their once solid friendship. Perhaps when she first started drowning in the overwhelming pressure of schoolwork and career plans, and nobody noticed, or chucked her a life ring. She’d become an island,and her worst fears had come true: nobody needed her. Nobody wanted her.
‘I do appreciate you saying all this,’ Cam said. ‘I might have to hold a grudge just a smidge longer.’
‘Perfectly understandable.’ She chuckled, swatting a fly off the rim of her glass.
They drank quietly for a few moments, listening to Dexys Midday Drinkers, until Cam began twirling the silver band around her ring finger. ‘So, are you going to tell me why your dad was fuming earlier?’
