‘Okay. I have to go.’ Even if he was so hard it hurt. While she put on her skirt, he went to the sink to splash cold water over his face.
Rae Docharty was making a mess of him – and fuck, he liked it.
20
The day was scorching by the time Struan dropped Rae off at the farm just after nine. She headed straight for the medicine cupboard once she got inside, a steady pounding behind her eyes. She’d noticed Myra already in the farm shop and hadn’t dared go in, which left her without anything to keep her busy until weekend customers arrived.Cold shower it is.
She hoped she’d avoided her dad altogether until, halfway up the stairs, she heard him summon her. She stopped, taking a breath before she turned to find him leaning against the banister, expression as frosty as it had been yesterday.
‘We need to talk. Now.’
‘Are you sure? I’m really quite enjoying avoiding conversation at the moment.’
There came the beckoning finger. She sighed and returned to the kitchen with him, picking up Roderick when he prowled across the dining table to her. She didn’t dare meet Dad’s eye as he sat on the chair opposite, instead running her fingers through Roderick’s fur until he purred. At least someone in this house still tolerated her.
She was surprised when Dad’s first question was, ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m okay,’ she said stiffly. ‘Areyouokay?’
He grunted. ‘Struan told me that you spent the night at his place. You can’t just go wandering off like that in the state you were in, Rae. I was bloody worried.’
‘I wasn’t in a state. I was just a bit tipsy,’ she lied. When he remained unconvinced, she decided it best to be honest. ‘I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever you were doing with Myra, which I’m in full support of, by the way. Not that you need my blessing, obviously. If it was anything to do with me, you would have told me, but you didn’t.’ A nervous laugh broke through her rambling. She had no idea what she was supposed to say. He’d made it clear that her input here was no longer welcome. In fact, she didn’t even know ifshewas welcome. ‘The thing is, if you didn’t want me here, I wish you would’ve said so. I feel a bit stupid, now. I think I just assumed this would always be my home. I didn’t realise how entitled that seemed. I just…’
She nestled her face into Roderick’s fur. He mewed in protest, jumping off her lap so she no longer had anything to hide behind. The end of her sentence never came.
Dad steepled his fingers as harsh lines of discontent sank into his face. ‘I was trying to come to terms with closing the farm, and then you came back like a bloody tornado, determined to change everything.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘You can’t make plans for a place you won’t be here to take care of come autumn, Rae. It’s not how it works. And frankly,I don’t need you feeling like you have to stay for my sake, because I’ve played that game with your mother, and we all ended up miserable.’
‘It hurts when you compare me to her.’ A defensive edge serrated her voice, focus glued to the woven placemat. ‘Just because I went away, it didn’t mean I stopped loving the farm – or this family. If we can’t have this conversation without you throwing what she did in my face, I don’t think I can talk about it at all.’
She stood up, so close to falling apart.
‘Okay, darling,’ He held up his hands – a gesture of truce. ‘You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you.’ He rubbed his eyes frustratedly. ‘I’ve tried so hard to be supportive of your career, but it takes you so far away from me.’
‘I know. And I don’t want it to anymore. I want to be closer.’ She didn’t tell him the truth, that she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to go back to a restaurant. That the thought of a new job made her so nauseous she couldn’t eat or sleep or breathe. That the career she’d always dreamed of was no longer what she wanted. ‘Do youwantto give up the farm, Dad?’
He considered it, leaning back in his chair. ‘Sometimes I think it would be so much easier. I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep it running.’
‘But do youwantto? Regardless of health and money and all that, do you want to do something else instead?’
‘No. Course not. This is all I’ve ever known, and giving it up will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do.’
‘Then please, just let me try. I promise I won’t make a mess and leave you to clean it up.’ She looked around at the ornaments she used to polish as a child, some of them almost a century old. At the photographs and the same wallpaper she remembered Dad pasting on when she was barely old enough to hold a paintbrush herself. At the scratches in the wooden legs of the dining table where Granddad’s first cat used to beg for scraps. ‘This is the only stable place I know, and I don’t want to lose it. Please. If you want to do it a different way, we will, but we needsomethingto see if we can keep the farm going, or at least to remind people it’s here.’
He softened, squeezing her hand gently. ‘If you think you can handle a wedding, we can try.’
‘Really?’
A nod. ‘I talked to Myra last night about it. She’s very smart, that lass. Told me you’re talented, independent, and capable of anything. I shouldn’t get so angry at you for proving it.’
She blinked. Dad didn’t do apologies very often, especially not after an argument. He might not have said the words, but he’d admitted his way wasn’t the only way. ‘Well, then, we should all listen to Myra.’
He smiled. ‘Should we… er, talk about that?’
‘Nope. Let’s not. Not now, at least.’ She took the awkward atmosphere as her cue to leave. The future of the farm was enough to think about right now – without having to wrap her head around her dad’s relationship status. Besides, she hardly had a right to question him when she had gotten into a little kissing situation of her own again this morning. Her pulse quickened at the thought of tonight: spending more time with Struan without having to ignore the chemistry between them.
