For once, she didn’t have it in her to plan what came next, and trying would be futile.
Struan Macgibbon was the one thing she could never prepare for, and Rae knew she couldn’t survive in the unknown. Maybe that, more than anything, would be the thing that broke them.
32
Sleeping on the couch didn’t help Struan recover from his long weekend, but then, the old cushions weren’t any more uncomfortable than his own springy mattress. He was woken up by a yowling Roderick leaping on his face at five a.m., and then again at seven by Audrey for the same reason. Apparently, she hadn’t seen him before attempting to sit on the couch.
By ten, he and Doug had almost cleaned up everything from the previous night’s festivities. While he waited for the girls to finish getting ready, he perched on the damp steps of the porch, trying to wake himself up with a mug of black coffee. He wasn’t eager for the four-hour drive to Aberdeen, but it was too late to change the plans now. Worse was the idea of being crammed in the small space with Rae and his sister, acting like there was nothing between them, like they hadn’t tried and failed to plan a future together last night.
Rather,he’dtried. He was beginning to wonder if he was the only one fighting for this to work. She’d offered him nothing at all, not even a hint as to what she hoped might happen with them.
Heavy boots thudded beside him, breaking through his cycle of insecurities. Doug’s knees clicked as he sat down beside Struan, a striped coffee mug in his own hand. ‘Disaster’s struck in there. Martha can’t find her sunglasses.’
‘Of course.’ Struan smiled into his coffee. He’d gotten used to his sister’s poor timekeeping a long time ago, and had expected that a ten a.m. set off translated to ten-forty-five in Martha Standard Time.
‘I wanted to thank you for all your help with this.’ Doug nodded towards the fields, where the fairy lights and floral arrangements hadn’t yet been taken down. ‘I’ll admit, it was nice to see the farm come to life again last night. Don’t tell Rae I said that, though.’
Struan tried to force a laugh, but it wouldn’t come. Not after the way he’d found her in the cupboard, barely able to form a sentence. He’d been so afraid that he wouldn’t be able to pull her out of that panic attack. He wondered how many times she’d suffered like that in Sydney, so far from home, with nobody to lean on, nobody to tell her she was safe.
He rubbed his chest, where that persistent ache wouldn’t dissolve. He’d lain awake with it sitting like... well, Roderick, on his chest, eyes glued to the ceiling as he wondered if she was okay. He’d considered checking, just to be sure, but didn’t dare with Martha in the house and Rae’s mind not yet made up. He needed to give her the space he’d promised, even if it killed him.
Setting his mug down beside him, he turned to Doug. ‘Look, mate, it’s not my place to say anything, and I don’t want to overstep with you or Rae, but I’m worried about her.’
Doug frowned, a rough hand mussing his beard. ‘Why? What’s wrong?’
Struan paused, trying to choose his words carefully. It wouldn’t be right to divulge her problems, but he was certain that the friction between her and Doug was only putting more pressure on her shoulders.
‘I don’t think she came here just for a summer break,’ Struan said quietly. ‘I think maybe sheneededto come home.’
‘I’m not following. As far as I know, she’s leaving in a few weeks.’
‘Because she thinks it’s what’s expected of her. But if she knew it was okay to stay, I think she would. You must have noticed how anxious she can be. She’s struggling, and she needs to feel like she’s allowed to step away from the things that make her feel that way. Cooking seems to be one of those things.’
Silence ticked between them, Doug’s head cocked in confusion. ‘Has she said something to you?’
‘No. Just a hunch.’ Struan fiddled with his bracelet, certain he was making a mess of this. He just wanted Doug to tread more carefully, to show Rae she was allowed to stay at home, even if it meant stepping away from her career. He’d been tough on her, acting like she was a burden for wanting to save this place with her grand ideas. Comparing her to her mum for going away. He still remembered how upset she’d been the night she’d stayed with him, and he couldn’t bear to see it again.
If he couldn’t be Rae’s haven, he wanted to make sure she had one here. She shouldn’t have to hide in cupboards when she was struggling.She shouldn’t have to feel like her efforts were unwanted.
A laboured sigh fell from Doug as he leaned his mug against his knee. ‘I wondered if something had happened. It isn’t like her to quit a job without a plan B. I thought she loved it in Sydney.’
‘She’s worked hard every day of her life,’ Struan said. ‘At some point, all that stress is bound to pile up.’
‘You think that’s why she’s thrown herself into all this fair nonsense?’
‘Aye, maybe. She doesn’t want to see the farm, or you, go under, but maybe she’s also avoiding the life she had before.’
He absently stroked Maisy as she padded out of the front door to join them. ‘If I’ve been hard on her, it’s only because I don’t want her to have the same resentment that caused her mother to leave. I don’t want her feeling like she has to fix my problems. Holding on to her too tight will just end with me losing her.’
‘She’s not her mum, and I think it’s unfair to treat her like she is. She loves this place. I’ve seen it. It’s in her blood.’ She wouldn’t have worn herself thin to host two events this summer otherwise. She wouldn’t spend so much time out in the fields, or making her jams in the kitchen.
‘Hm.’ The crow’s feet in the corners of Doug’s eyes deepened, emotion spreading his lips thin beneath his thick beard. ‘I dinnae ken what’s going on with the two of you, but you’re a good lad. My worst nightmare would be her bringing home some fancy chef too stuck up their own arse to really love her the way she deserves.I’d much rather it be you instead.’
Struan wasn’t surprised Doug had caught on to their secret – at this point, he was hardly subtle. No use denying it. ‘Aye, so would I. Unfortunately, the cards are stacked against us.’
‘If I can find a new wee missus at my ripe old age, I’m sure you two can work it out.’ Doug’s elbow poked Struan’s ribs. ‘Just don’t stuff it up, otherwise she might never come home again.’
‘I’ll do my best.’ Struan meant it. If there was even a sliver of a chance that they could work, he would do everything it took to make the most of it. Before, the future had been a blurry, vague, faraway thing he didn’t like to focus on. Something he’d figure out as it happened. Now, he’d found what he wanted, and it wasn’t a bigger house or a better wage. He could live without all that.
