‘Good. Martha’s with you?’
‘No. Myra.’ Things with Martha were too uncomfortable. Rae could tell Martha was trying to brush their conversation under the carpet, at least while Rae’s dad was in hospital, just as Rae was pretending that closing the door on her relationship with Struan hadn’t devastated her. She’d been prepared for the sacrifice, but not the hurt that came after.
‘If you need me, you know I’ll come,’ Struan said gently.
‘I know. I’m okay, I promise.’ She closed her eyes, pressing her phone closer to her ear and imagining it was his chest. ‘Thank you.’
‘Of course.’
She could hear the noise of the city crackling in the background: car horns, engines, chatter. It was a comfort to imagine him standing on a street in Glasgow, doing the thing he was good at, being the capable leader he was supposed to be. A reminder that,while her world had been reduced to the blue, speckled walls of the hospital, it wouldn’t be forever. As long as she could hear his voice, she could believe everything might turn out okay, even if not with them.
‘I… I told Martha,’ she blurted. ‘Things are weird now, but I think it’s going to be okay eventually. Not with you and me. She isn’t okay with that. But we’ll get past it and go back to the way we were before. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, does it?’
His pause was excruciating, every crackle of static scurrying over her spine like the claws of a wild creature.
‘Struan,’ she begged, because she couldn’t stay in this silence. Not today.
‘If that’s what you need, sweetheart. I’ll take what I can get.’
She needed so much more. In fact, her throat was clogging with all the things she needed. She chewed on her pinkie, squeezing her eyes closed.
‘Green is my favourite colour, by the way. For the wee friendship bracelet.’ The mirth in his voice cracked, the pain beneath pouring through. She regretted ever picking up the call. If she’d known it would only hurt in the end, she wasn’t sure she would have ever kissed him that first time in the orchard.
‘I have to go,’ she decided, wiping her runny nose on her sleeve. ‘Good luck with the course.’
‘Rae…’ Her name scraped his throat like grit, like she was ruining him. Maybe it would be better if they didn’t talk at all. Easier. Having to filter herself with him made her realise just how open they’d been before. How willingly they’d let one another in.
Because it had come naturally, and this didn’t. Shutting him out went against every instinct she had. If Martha knew how it felt, she’d never think them wrong for each other again.
But she didn’t, couldn’t, and Rae had promised no more.
‘Bye, Struan.’ She hung up before she could change her mind. She didn’t know if it was because she was here, in a place of sickness, or just the heartache, but she felt so nauseous she had to dash to the bathroom, spending minutes perched on the closed toilet seat lid until it passed.
If this was what love felt like, she was glad she had avoided it until now. He was breaking her open more than anything else ever could, and the worst part was that she had nobody to talk to about it.
Her own fault.
Martha had been right to ask why him, why not anybody else. She’d dug her own grave, choosing somebody who she wouldn’t ever be able to distance herself from completely.
It was good it was over, she convinced herself.
Yet she tasted only bitterness as she returned to the waiting room, fingernails burying into her skin and leaving a sting. Myra took her hand, putting a stop to it. ‘It’s all going to be fine soon, love.’
Rae wasn’t brave enough to believe it anymore.
The ride home swathed Rae in a solace she hadn’t felt for a long time. Dad was okay. The surgery had gone smoothly, and he was in the recovery ward now, where she’d sat with him and Myra until a tired nurse had ushered them out of the hospital half an hour after their visiting hours were supposed to end.She’d dropped Myra off at her house in the middle of town before returning to the farm to share the good news with Gran – only, as she turned off the narrow country lane, she found the farm still brimming with people.
Had Martha missed closing time?
Getting out of the car, she caught sight of Cam’s copper head, thrown back as she laughed at something the tall man – Eiley’s partner, Warren, Rae remembered – said. While others strung colourful decorations and lights across the back field, they leaned by the fence, sipping ice water.
Rae glanced around blankly. She had missed something. She just didn’t know what. Why were so many people here? Why were they hanging the fruit-themed bunting she’d bought for the Strawberry Fair in the wrong places?
‘Yoohoo. Earth to Rae!’ Cam called. Rae skulked over, not quite sure if she’d fallen asleep at the wheel and was now in a dream. She dug her car keys into her palm just to be extra sure. It hurt, yet her surroundings didn’t change.
‘How’s your dad?’ Cam asked.
‘He’s okay…’ She glanced between them, from Cam and her sunburnt nose to the chiselled, friendly neighbourhood firefighter, as Warren had introduced himself at the wedding. ‘I’m confused. Not that I’m not glad to see you, but what’s going on?’
