He beamed proudly at the fact. It was nice to know he’d inherited even a little piece of Dad’s personality, even if just his humour. ‘I knew you found me funny really. So, I’m giving a speech, aye?’
‘We’ll see.’ A small smile danced on her lips, but quickly fell. ‘I was thinking about how, at Harper’s wedding, she had her dad walk her down the aisle. I won’t get that.’
‘I’m sure Doug will fill in.’ It wasn’t the same, but he was a good bloke, and he’d been a steady presence in Martha’s life since they were kids. ‘If worst comes to worst, there’s always Michael.’
‘Fuck, no.’ She sucked in a deep breath. ‘I want you to do it, Stru.’
Struan’s eyes widened, grip on the phone slipping.Him?
‘You look surprised,’ Martha pointed out before he could reconnect his tongue to his brain.
‘I am,’ he stuttered out.
‘You didn’t consider I might ask?’
‘No.’ He licked his dry lips, trying to comprehend the request. Walking her down the aisle, taking the role that should have been Dad’s…
He wasn’t sure he deserved that honour, especially not now. Those shoes were too big to fill. Struan wasn’t a man, not really. He could pretend to be sometimes, but he was just waiting for the world to realise that inside of him lived a grieving,lost, lonely boy who still couldn’t find his place in the world. When Martha and Vik had kids, he wouldn’t be a role model. He’d be silly Uncle Struan. He’d make them laugh, but he wouldn’t teach them anything beyond how to start a fire in case they ever got lost on a hike, and that it was okay to drink out-of-date milk if it didn’t smell sour.
‘You’re my brother, Struan. Who else would I ask?’
He opened his mouth. Closed it.
A sadness folded itself into the shadows of Martha’s cheeks as she watched him. ‘I’ve not been fair to you, have I?’
He rubbed his face again, half-convinced he was still asleep. ‘Where is any of this coming from? You’re not dying, are you?’
‘No, I’m not dying.’ She sniffled. ‘I’m just… I’m trying to figure out why my best friend didn’t feel like she could tell me that she’s in love with my brother. And why she can’t talk to me now.’
Struan’s muscles turned to lead at those words,in love. Rae couldn’t be that. He wouldn’t allow himself to even entertain the idea, because that would mean his feelings were requited, would mean they were apart for no other reason than Martha, would mean he must have tricked Rae into wanting him, somehow. Because he couldn’t possibly deserve her as he was.
‘I kept telling myself you’re not right for her, that you’ll fuck it up,’ Martha continued. ‘And then today, the volunteers turned up. I thought Rae would freak out, seeing them all helping, but she didn’t. She was grateful you’d done that for her. Vik asked me why I assumed the worst in you so often, and I realised I didn’t have an answer. Not a real one, at least. I’ve just… I’ve always dismissed you.You’ve always been here for me, taken care of me,acceptedme, even when Mum couldn’t. I know how hard it was for you when Dad died, but I didn’t realise how differently we handled it. I think maybe I resented the way grief changed you – because it made me colder and probably selfish, but it didn’t for you. You were still yourself afterwards, just a bit more stoned.’
He snorted. A bit was an understatement, but he’d tried to keep all of his struggles out of the house for Martha and Mum’s sake. They’d been so impatient… with him, with each other. He’d tried to balance them out with his ill-timed humour, and balance himself out by escaping that emotional minefield whenever he had the chance.
‘I think I used it against you,’ she said. ‘I convinced myself that you were unreliable for being in and out of jobs and never settling down, but you’ve always, always been there for me when it mattered – just like you have for Rae.’
Tears dripped off his chin, unexpected and unavoidable. He’d been fed that version of himself for so long – that he was impulsive and unreliable, a drifter – that he’d believed it about himself, even when he was here, teaching a course that would help save lives. Part of it was the ADHD, how the diagnosis seemed to have lowered everybody’s expectations of him, and part of it was just the way he handled himself. He didn’t want anybody to know how deeply he mourned and how isolated he felt, so he presented himself as laidback.
Only Rae had dived beneath his surface, even when she could have listened to Martha and written him off. She’d seen him.She hadn’t asked him to change, hadn’t thrown his choices or his mayhem back in his face.
She’d been the first person to show him that he was good exactly as he was, and now he was hearing it for the first time from his family, and it felt like all those cogs turning rapidly in his brain could finally take a pause.
‘Have you been drinking?’ he couldn’t help but ask as he wiped his damp neck.
She let out a watery laugh. ‘No, I haven’t, although I wish I had. This is awkward and uncomfortable and will never happen again.’
‘Wouldn’t expect it to.’
‘I just want you to be happy,’ she said then. ‘I thought maybe you needed tough love. But Vik gently pointed out that Mum has done the same thing to us, and I never want to be like her. I never want to hurt you that way, either.’
‘I know.’ Martha was persistent because she cared. It didn’t make it right, and it didn’t heal the wounds she’d unintentionally inflicted every time she’d put him down, but he’d never doubted that her need for control was rooted in her fear of losing it. Dad passing so suddenly had provided a harsh awakening to the fact that things could go wrong at any time. People could be taken without warning. It made sense that she wanted to curate the world around her when it could so easily shift on its axis.
He chewed on his bottom lip, daring to meet her gaze through the screen. ‘What does this mean, M? What are you saying?’
‘I’m stepping back. If you and Rae make each other happy, you should be together.’
Hope fluttered like feathered wings in his stomach. ‘Have you spoken to her about this?’
