He felt ashamed the first few times he watched. But the release and the relief he experienced afterward washed away some of the shame, leaving behind only faint traces.
It wasn’t until he met Ben, a young, handsome paramedic who liked to brush shoulders with John a little too often and hold his gaze for a little too long. One night, Ben made a direct pass at him, right outside the med bay with no one else around, and John, terrified, said yes.
And thank God he had.
The last few weeks had confirmed the theory that he desired men, even though he was initially awkward and nervous with Ben, feeling like a teenager all over again in that vulnerable phase of self-discovery. John wasn’t interested in Ben beyond sexual exploration, and Ben wasn’t interested in commitment either, so it worked out well for them.
The problem was their schedules, which were getting busier and harder to pin down for the night of mutual relief.
Ben missed the last one, and John was growing restless.
God, I am so fucking ready.
He nearly smiled. His stomach tingled in anticipation and his cock twitched eagerly to life at the mere thought of having sex with a man.
Because this would be his first time taking that next step beyond foreplay.
Ben would pop his gay cherry, and John couldn’t fucking wait.
“I appreciate you taking the time to see me, Miles,” John said, deciding in that instant that he’d rather go home and get ready for his hook-up later tonight than spend another twenty minutes talking about nothing important.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for therapy yet,” he said, and stood. “Bill me for the full hour, please.”
Miles also got to his feet, a cool understanding in his gaze.
Every good physician knows, just like a therapist, you can’t force treatment onto an unwilling patient.
Miles paused, hand on the doorknob of his office door. “Can I say something, just an observation…?”John stiffened, chin lifting, and nodded.
“Our professions, that of healers and givers, can be demanding work. We’re not supermen, nor are we perfect by any means. I can only imagine the trulyincredible burden you feel with literal lives on the line. The pressure from others to perform and to give. I suppose I simply want to say, we are not limitless creatures, we’re not supposed to be. It is okay to stop every once in a while.”
John nodded politely. “I’ll take that under consideration. Thank you again for your time.”
“Another?”
“Yeah, but only if you make it as good as the last one.”
The bartender, a handsome twenty-something man with a pretty smile, gave him a flippant smirk, “I’ll do my best.”
John paused, thinking about those words and how often he said them to his own patients.
And on some days, like today, it didn’t matter if he did his best.
It didn’t matter if he was the most skilled doctor in the emergency department.
It didn’t matter if he had unlimited resources, time, and energy.
It didn’t matter if he had the best intentions.
It just simply didn’t matter because days like these were impossible to get out from under. And lately, John wasn’t sure he could ever shake the feeling.
He raked a hand through his short, dark, salt-and-pepper beard and up to his neck, tempted to work the muscles of his right shoulder but knowing it probably wouldn’t look too polite doing arm stretches at this posh, overly pricey bar. So instead, he leaned forward on the bar counter, kneading the tight muscles at the back of his neck. The bartender returned with his drink, slipping it between his elbows.
John glanced up and smiled thinly at the young man.
“Hope you like this one, too,” the bartender said.
John noted the flash of a flirtatious smile before he sauntered off to help the couple that had just approached the end of the bar.
