Cass hesitated, then nodded. They walked in silence for a few moments, the only sound the rhythmic hush of the surf.
‘You know… I said I lost someone,’ he whispered. ‘My friend. Suicide. It’s…’ His voice was breaking. ‘…it’s like a piece of me went with him.’ He suddenly shouted, ‘I should have known!’ Then he continued, quietly, ‘I went to school with the bastard. Grew up with him. Why didn’t he just talk to me? I fucking miss him. And now, it feels like something is missing within me and I don’t know what to do.’
‘I know that feeling of grief,’ Rita said softly. ‘Like a hollow place in your chest that aches no matter what you try to fill it with.’
He finally stopped to look at her. ‘How do you…?’ His voice trailed off.
‘My husband.’ Rita took a slow breath. ‘He died in a car accident.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Cass bit his lip.
‘I realise we all deal with life… and death differently, but my advice would be, let yourself feel it.’ Rita met his cornflower-blue eyes. There was something about him that reminded her of Thom. ‘Not try to fix it or push it away. Sometimes just… holding the moment, letting it sit with you, is enough.’ She held out her hand to his, but he shook his head.
‘This place is making me think of it, of him, more. I have to be with myself. I’m not used to that.’ Cass let out a little groan. ‘Let’s go and join the group.’
‘Come on.’ Rita stayed close to his side. ‘You don’t have to carry this alone, Cass.’
He exhaled a shaky breath. ‘I just… I can’t stop thinking about him. About what I could’ve done differently. I… I feel guilty all the time.’
Rita stopped and faced him. ‘Guilt is part of it. It’s natural. But it’s an emotion of no use to you or anyone else. The amount of if onlys I used to relive over and over again before my husband set off on his car journey… Your grief is proof of your heart. And your heart… well, it’s strong enough to hold the pain and still reach out.’
He looked at her, eyes glistening in the moonlight. ‘Do you think it ever gets easier?’
‘Time does help,’ Rita admitted. ‘You learn to let it sit beside you, instead of it drowning you. And sometimes… it helps to let someone else hold it with you, even for a little while.’
They walked back toward the circle, the waves their quiet companion, until Cass croaked, ‘That helped, it really helped, thanks, Rita.’
Rita smiled softly. ‘Good.’
Cass cleared this throat, ‘And I am so sorry for your loss.’
‘We waited,’ Zenya said brightly as the pair joined the group.
‘I appreciate that,’ Cass said, sincerely.
‘No Imogen tonight, then?’ Rita noted.
Odette piped up, ‘She evidently had to do something work-related. Ridiculous, I say.’ The woman scoffed, her mad red hair tied up in a gaudy scarf. ‘I was so jealous; the words were literally flying out of her. She types on her tablet as fast as I used to when writing my trilogy.’
Priya offered a comforting glance to the troubled author.
‘All right, soul seekers,’ Zenya said warmly, spreading her arms. ‘Welcome to the first of your two moonlight mantras. No phones, no expectations. Just sea, stars, snacks, some nettle tea, and maybe a few secrets whispered to the tide.’
Davie grimaced as he took a sip of tea. ‘I’m praying that the tideis high, given what I want to offload.’
Teo lifted a Tupperware of moonballs. ‘Zenya says these have the oats, dates, the almonds, and a sprinkle of hope in here.Qué romántico!’ He placed them in the middle of the circle. ‘Help yourselves.’
As the group tucked in, Zenya passed around some mica-flecked stones she’d collected earlier. ‘These are the reason we are here tonight, as well as to bond with your fellow retreat guests – if you want to, that is.’
Once everyone had a stone, she sat back down, her voice floating through the chill of the thin night air. ‘Think of something or someone you want to release tonight. It could be because of fear, grief, hope, guilt, even love. You don’t have to say it aloud unless you want to. Then let it go into thehightide.’ She grinned at Davie. ‘And away into the night.’
‘Wow, that’s deep, but I love it.’ Cass looked almost peaceful for a second.
A quiet rustling passed through the group as they gathered their thoughts; even Davie looked like he was paying attention.
‘I’ll go first.’ Priya smiled quietly. ‘I want to stop being everything and all to other people and choose myself. Even if it’s scary.’ She stood and threw her stone with force.
Odette’s toss was quieter, more careful. ‘I want to stop doubting myself,’ she murmured. ‘I know I can write; I just need to sit down and get on with it.’ Her stone skipped once before sinking.
