They nod. “Yeah, sometimes.”
“How would you describe it?”
Their eyes wander as they think. “It’s…yearning. It’s like craving to be with a specific person more than anyone else and hoping with all your heart that they feel the same way. It’s wanting to spend every second with that person because you can’t imagine getting sick of them. In my experience, there’s a physical part to it, too, but it’s not always sexual. Like, wanting to hold hands, sit close together, and cuddle.”
My chest tightens.Oh. Oh, no.
“But as someone who also experiences sexual desire, I find the line between physical closeness and sex a little blurry. I imagine that line is more discernible for someone on the ace spectrum.”
I think back to every moment I spend with Jude. The way my heart thrums when they’re near me. The way my spirit lifts when they smile at me. The way I can’t get enough of their presence, their attention, their affection.
Oh no. Oh, no, no, no?—
“What’s wrong?” Wren asks.
I shake my head. “Oh, n-nothing, I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this, that’s all.”
“Oliver.”
“Hm?”
“You have no poker face whatsoever. You do know that, right?”
I meet Wren’s gaze, then let my shoulders slump. “I think I might be romantically attracted to someone after all.”
“It’s Jude, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
Wren sighs. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck is right.”
Before I realize what’s happening, Wren is at my side and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “It’s okay to have a crush, you know.”
“Not on Jude, it’s not.”
“Why?”
“Because they have a girlfriend who already hates me and thinks I’m trying to steal Jude from her,” I explain, letting my head fall into my hands. “Jude only trusts me because I’m ace. I can’t let them know I have any non-platonic feelings for them. It’ll ruin everything. They won’t feel safe around me, and they won’t want to be friends anymore, at least not the way we are now.”
“Whoa, whoa, hang on,” Wren interjects. “What do you mean they only trust you because you’re ace?”
“They’ve had some really shitty men in their life,” I explain. “They don’t trust guys at all, and I don’t think they would have given me a chance if I hadn’t come out to them.”
Wren grimaces. “That’s a little fucked up, though, don’t you think?”
I shake my head. “That makes it sound worse than it is. I just… I can’t risk losing them, Wren, I can’t.”
“True friends accept you for who you are,” Wren counters. “No matter what. Right?”
“I know, but what if they think I tricked them?”
“But you didn’t.”
“But what if they think I did?”
Wren sighs. “Oliver, if they know you at all, they’ll know you didn’t trick them. That’s not who you are.”
