“Mmkay,” Celeste adds, still clearly dubious.
Max stirs a small bowlful of spices into the pan, covers it, and sets a timer. “Anything else happen?” he asks.
I hesitate. Should I tell them about what happened in the car? They’re my closest friends, but do they really need to know everything?
“I know that look,” Celeste says, leaning in and bumping my shoulder gently. “Come on, hon. What happened?”
Fine, I guess I’ll spill. “My mom called me while I was with Nikki last night.”
Celeste goes stiff. “Yeah?”
“And now Nikki knows my deadname. Yay.”
Celeste and Max exchange glances. “Oh, shit,” Max laments.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Celeste says.
I can’t think of anything to say, so I simply shrug.
A few moments pass with only Bad Bunny and Max’s sizzling pan to fill the quiet. I’m almost ready to change the subject, but Max opens his mouth to speak.
“You should really say something to your mom about it. Just tell her that while you’re at school, you’d prefer that she call you by your chosen name.”
I snort. “Yeah, I’m sure that would do the trick. ‘Hey, Mom, I know you don’t accept or acknowledge my gender identity, but would you mind pretending to be a decent person while you’re giving me money? Thanks, you’re the best.’ Man, why didn’t I think of that?”
“Jude, don’t take your anger out on us,” Celeste says, a warning in her tone. “You know we’re on your side.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” I sigh. “It doesn’t matter, anyway.”
Max shakes his head. “Don’t say that. Itdoesmatter.”
“It really doesn’t,” I insist. “It’s not worth another fight.”
“Isn’t it, though?”
“Max.”
Max’s dark brown eyes bore into mine. Max, of all people, understands what I’m going through better than anyone else in my life. I know he means well. But his situation is different. It always has been.
“I appreciate you. Both of you,” I say with as much sincerity as I can muster. “I know I should stick up for myself, and I domost of the time. But not to my parents. There’s too much at stake.”
Max releases my gaze and shakes his head.
“It’s such bullshit,” Celeste interjects angrily. “Holding your future over your head the way they do. It’s fucking disgusting.”
I shrug. “It is what it is. But it’s not forever. As soon as I get my MSW?—”
“Right, and how many years will that be?” Celeste asks.
“Not even five years if I stay on track. And I will stay on track as long as I don’t have to worry about money or a job.”
“So, you have to lie about who you are and just let them misgender and deadname you for five more years so that you can get a free ride through school?”
Anger swells in my chest, but I swallow it down. “That’s the deal.”
“And you don’t see how fucked up that is?”
“Of course I do!” I snap. “Look, they’re shitty for being bigots, but I’m just as shitty for taking their bigot money.”
