I continue chewing, savoring every bit of flavor. “This is the best cookie I’ve ever had,” I say with a sigh.
Jude bursts into laughter. “Jesus, Oliver. You have such a passionate relationship with food.”
“Do you not?”
“Not like you do,” Jude says, still grinning. “But as you were saying? Dating as a possible asexual?”
“Right, right. Let’s see. In ninth grade, I invited a girl from school, Valerie McBrayer, over to Theo’s house to watch a movie with us. Valerie was cute and sweet, and she laughed at all my jokes. All the guys in my class were talking about dating and kissing girls by then, and even Theo and Harrison brought it up sometimes, so I figured I might as well see what the fuss was about.
“During the movie, Valerie and I held hands under the armrest until our palms were so sweaty I had to pull my hand away. After that, she rested her head on my shoulder, which was nice until the sickly-sweet smell of her green-apple shampoo made me nauseous. Later, her older brother came to pick her up, but while he wasn’t looking, she leaned in and pressed a sloppy, wet kiss right on my mouth. I tried my best not to gag at the sensory overload—her stale popcorn breath and sticky lip gloss combined with the overpowering apple shampoo were just too much.”
“Yuck,” Jude interjects as they pour the coffee into two mugs on the counter. “Oh, do you like whole milk or oat milk?”
I sneak another bite of the cookie before answering. “Oat milk sounds good.”
“Called it,” Jude says quietly.
“Huh?”
“Nothing, please continue.”
Nonplussed, I continue my story. “The next day at school, I texted her to say I just wanted to be friends. Apparently, that was the wrong move. In retaliation, she told everyone I was a horrible kisser and a real jerk. And, for better or worse, that was enough to mark me undateable for the rest of high school.”
Jude brings over the two mugs of coffee and places one in front of me. “Damn. I mean, most of that sounds about right for ninth grade, minus her retaliation. I’m just cracking up at how gender-swapped that whole thing feels.”
I frown. “What do you mean?” I ask, my mouth full of delicious Snickerdoodle.
“Usually, it’s the girl who gets grossed out by the boy. I’ve never heard it the other way around.” Jude’s smile falters as they notice my confusion. “It’s not a bad thing! It’s proof that gender is never cut and dried.”
“Oh, okay.” I cup my hands around the warm mug of coffee and breathe in the steam. It smells heavenly. I hesitate to take a sip, knowing that Jude will probably tease my reaction again.
Jude picks up a cookie. “So, who was the guy?”
I fidget with the mug handle. “Okay, I’ll tell you, but…don’t tell anyone else, okay? Theo doesn’t even know about this. None of my friends do, and I wouldn’t want them finding out from someone else.”
Jude’s eyes go wide, but they nod. “Of course. I won’t tell a soul.”
I take a deep breath. “At the beginning of eleventh grade, sweet little Christian Theo met and fell hard for Caleb, pushing him to an inevitable gay crisis.”
“Oh shit, Theo was a Christian?”
“Oh yeah. Like, hella Christian. It was a whole thing—a story for another day. Eventually, Theo came out as bisexual and befriended a closeted gay guy at his church named Jake. Inspired by Theo, Jake came out to his parents, but it didn’t goso well. He was kicked out of his house and his Christian private school, and he ended up at our public high school for his senior year. Theo tried his best to integrate Jake into our friend group to help him adjust to his new life, but for whatever reason, it didn’t really take. Jake’s a good kid, but he just wasn’t a fit for our crew.
“However, Jake was determined that I was a closeted gay man who, like him, just needed a little push. Initially, I figured, why not? My experience with Valerie was a bust, but maybe that was because I wasn’t actually into girls. More than half of my friend group was queer, so it wouldn’t be so crazy to find out I was, too. Plus, Jake was handsome, funny, and charming. Maybe he was right—maybe I was gay.
“Jake and I went out on several dates, but nothing ever clicked for me. He definitely smelled better than Valerie, and his kisses were never too wet or sticky, but I just didn’t feel anything special with him. Holding hands was nice. Cuddling was nice. Even kissing was nice sometimes. But after a few minutes of making out, Jake was always ready to go further, and I just…wasn’t.”
Jude sips their coffee, listening intently as I ramble on. When I finish, they sit with my words for several moments. Finally, they ask: “So, why didn’t you tell anyone about Jake?”
I sigh, resting my head in my hands. “Honestly, I don’t know. It’s not that I didn’t want them to know I was questioning my sexuality. My whole crew is either some flavor of queer or a strong ally. They’d be super supportive—maybe even annoyingly so. Which, I guess, now that I’m saying it out loud…maybe that’s the reason. You’ve seen how I get when the conversation gets too real or too serious.”
Jude snorts. “Yeah, you get weird.”
“Exactly. And, I don’t know. I think if I told them I was dating, they’d start forcing me to talk about feelings and shitmore often, and that sounds like a fucking nightmare. I’d much rather keep things the way they are for as long as possible.”
“I think that’s valid,” Jude says thoughtfully. “As long as that’s not the only reason you’re not dating.”
I take a sip of my coffee, and, of course, it’s divine. I relish its sweetness for several seconds before Jude’s words sink in. “What do you mean?”
