Her words soothe my soul like medicine.
I rub a socked foot across the edge of the rug, keeping my head down as I speak.
“I think I’ve been using sex to try and balance out all the heavy conversations he’s put up with. Like a reward or something. As if I’m saying: Please don’t leave me, remember how good it feels to be around me, not just dark and somber all the time.”
Sam gives me a moment to reflect on this admission.
“That’s a really brave thing to acknowledge, Marco. And it’s natural that you’d want to pull someone closer when you’re afraid that certain truths might lead to rejection. But Amos isn’t ‘putting up with’ you. He’s cradling your pain. He’s choosing to embrace every layer of you.” An invisible pair of arms wrap around me, as though Amos is actually here.
I raise my head, feeling the tension leave my body.
Sam continues.
“Sharing vulnerable truths about your childhood doesn’t make you unlovable. It creates more room for love.”
“More room?”
A wave of hope flows through me.
“Much more,” she beams. “And I may be a little biased, but seeking out therapy is one of the kindest, most loving choices you can make for Amos. Because now you both get to experience the best version of you. A healed Marco who has the emotional capacity to love him fearlessly.”
“I want that,” I choke. “I want that so badly.”
Tears blur my vision as I stumble over the words. Sam rests a hand on my shoulder.
“If you keep making brave decisions, and continue doing the work, you’ll get there. You will. Are you ready to delve a little further?”
???
August fades around the edges.
My phone has been ringing off the hook all week.
Always somebody needing something from me, tugging me in this direction or that.
I’m trying to get better at delegating.
Learning to set boundaries.
Learning to loosen up a bit.
Even when clients are relentless.
Marco, we've double booked the conference room.
Find a new venue or pay extra.
Marco, the client is demanding a full re-write of the menu.
Make it Paleo only.
Can your crew be here an hour earlier, but also leave by nine?
Can you sign off on this floor plan, even though half the props are yet to be sourced?
Yet in the midst of the mayhem, is Amos.
My calm oasis.
