“You’re very brave, Birdie. Unlike anyone I’ve ever known. I’ve been appalling to you, and yet you treat me with kindness. You have stood your ground every step of the way, even though all the people in your life sought to lower you, you wouldn’t kneel.”
“I did plenty of kneeling while I scrubbed the floors, Your Highness.”
“I don’t mean that. Yes, you did scrub floors. Yes, you worked at the palace, you did work for your stepmother, but your spirit was never broken.”
Right then, he felt like a crack had opened up in his chest. He felt like perhaps something was broken in him, and he desperately needed to know what might fix it. Desperately needed to understand what might heal it. Put it back into place. Except he wasn’t sure when it broke, or what had caused it. He didn’t know what the source of it was, or how to mend it. Didn’t even know how to describe it.
“Because I didn’t choose any of it,” she said. “I remember having the thought very early on… You know, so many people turn to drugs or alcohol or other self-destructive behaviors to handle the kind of abuse that I went through. I don’t judge them. I can’t judge anyone for how they cope with the sort of life I had to live. And many people have been through much worse. But I remember thinking that I wasn’t going to let my stepmother decide how happy I was going to be. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my life. She already had too much. I wasn’t going to give her everything. My mother wanted to see me happy. I know she did. She told me, before she died.” She looked up at him, her eyes glittering. “I remember going into her hospital room, and it was so scary. There were wires and monitors everywhere. She was in the bed, she looked so not like herself. She was gray and so thin. And it terrified me. But she told me that she had everything she ever wanted in life, except for more time. She had a good life. Even if it was too short. That she loved me, and that she wanted me to be happy. More than anything. That she wanted me to smile, for all the smiles that she wouldn’t have. To watch the sunset, for everyone she wouldn’t see. To dance, because she couldn’t anymore. She didn’t want me to live for her, she made that very clear. But she wanted me to live. To appreciate each and every moment, and I try to. When I feel overwhelmed, I pull away from everything, and I just feel the breeze. I feel my breath. I feel being alive. That’s how I do it. It’s why I keep going. It’s why I breathe. Now I get it. I’m having a child of my own, and I get it. Because no matter what, I want this child to be happy. To smile all the smiles that I missed, and to dance every time I couldn’t. And now I want to be strong for that child. Here. For as long as I can be. I want us to do better for our child than was done for us, and it isn’t that my father didn’t love me, but I do believe that he was irreparably damaged by the death of my mother.” She paused.
“That’s another thing. My father let all that pain drive us apart. But we are here. Alive. We could’ve been close. But he threw himself into work. I never wanted more money. I never wanted a bigger house. I wanted a hug from him. I wanted more time with him. The greatest gift you can give your child is yourself. Your attention. Your affection. That’s exactly what we should do for our child. And it’s another reason to cling to that resilience that I found.”
God, she was strong. Brave. She saw a world filled with miracles. Small moments. Deep breaths.
He saw a sword, hanging from a thread in the throne room. That at any moment it could fall.
That was how life felt to him. A series of cruel, unfortunate events waiting to befall anyone who had the temerity to care too much. Anytime he’d been tempted to believe in miracles, he’d been brought crashing back down to earth.
The line holding that sword aloft felt more tenuous than ever.
“Tomorrow we have to go back.”
She snuggled against him, burying her face in his chest. “We’re going to be together. It doesn’t have to change.”
Chapter Fourteen
She knew immediatelythat it was going to change. But she’d try to remind him anyway. But she had sensed the subtle shift in her husband’s behavior as the end of their honeymoon had drawn close. But of course, the palace was the site of so many terrible things for him. Here on the island he had been buoyant. Carefree. On the island, it had been like he was a different person. But she could feel a heaviness to him once they boarded the plane to take them back to Basilia.
It lasted the entire flight, and when they arrived back, she felt it settled in her own breast.
It was a strange thing now, to be going back to the palace unified with him. Sort of.
She took a deep breath, and pasted a smile on her face for the walk inside. Princess Emerald was there, along with Andrei. And Elizabeth.
She rushed to Elizabeth, and threw her arms around her. “It’s so good to see you.”
“Good to see you too.” She looked at her, her expression filled with concern. “Are you well?”
“I’m quite well,” she said. Smiling. Because she could. Because she was here with Onyx. Because even though he was a difficult sort of man, he was a wonderful one.
And they’d had great times, and undoubtedly, would have some difficult ones coming up. Because that was how life was.
So she was just going to have to deal with it. Get over it. Brace herself for whatever would come, and stay open, because you couldn’t protect yourself from pain. Well, you could. You could embrace all that anger, like she’d done before the honeymoon, but it didn’t heal anything.
The honeymoon had been healing.
But she had a feeling…
She just had a feeling that he was headed for an absolute crash out, and she was going to have to be ready for it.
Was going to have to be as strong as she ever was.
“Do you think you’ll have time to take tea with me this week?” Emerald asked, smiling at her. She hadn’t spent very much time with Emerald, owing to the fact that she had been so angry with Onyx.
“I would love to,” she said.
If she was going to count her blessings, then having Emerald as a sister was going to be one of them.
Because she knew what it was like to have terrible sisters. Emerald wasn’t that. She had been firmly on Birdie’s side from the beginning. Standing against her brother when he had brought her in here with all that rage and indignation.
