“In what? This marriage? This marriage that you are supposed to have, that you have to have in accordance with tradition?”
“It doesn’t have to be like this.”
“Were your parents a love match, Onyx?”
“And they’re dead,” he said. “So what does it matter? What does it matter what their marriage was? It didn’t protect them. Nothing protects you in this life. I have to focus on running the country. I cannot be distracted with this.”
“You’re dying,” she said. “What’s the point of living when you’re actively dying. Because you won’t let anyone close to you. Because you need all of these things and you won’t let yourself have them.”
“I’m just fine the way that I am.”
“You aren’t,” she said. “The man that I met the night of his wife’s funeral, he was drowning. The king that I knew before then, he was doing a good job of keeping up the facade. The reason that your marriage to Circe worked is that it allowed you to ignore your emotions. But even you have to admit it wasn’t good.”
“It wasn’t. I know that. I feel sorrow for her, that she was stuck with me for all her short life.”
“So you acknowledge that it’s not a good way to live. So why don’t you do something different?”
“I can’t,” he said.
“You can’t or you won’t? Because the man that I met the night of the funeral, he needed this. He needed love. That was what I gave to you, it wasn’t sex. I was wrong. I did love you. I have the whole time. I thought that I loved you falsely because you were a stranger to me, but the truth is, it’s always been you. Always. There has never been anyone else for me. There has never been anyone else that I loved or cared about. I love you, you foolish man. In every stage and way that I’ve known you. As the king of my country, as my employer. As my lover, when you didn’t know who I was. As my husband.”
“How can you love a man that you believe is a snob at his core?”
“I don’t believe you are now. What I believe is that you’re afraid. Every time someone gets close to you you pull back. Every time. Because you know what it’s like to lose people. Because you know how sudden it can be, and no one can blame you for that. No one ever could. But we are about to have a child—
“No. I cannot think about that. I cannot think about any of this.”
It was real terror in his eyes now. And of course. Why wouldn’t it be?
“My mother was dying for most of my childhood, Onyx. I can’t even imagine what a terrible thing that would be. To know that you weren’t going to see your child grow up. To know that you were slipping away. She did it bravely. And she smiled. She loved me, till her very last breath. We have to love. Even not knowing how long we get to do it. Because love is the only thing in this world that is true. Is the only thing that is good. Love is the only thing that is real. All of these other things could go away tomorrow. The castle could crumble into the sea, and the country could be lost to civil war, but I would love you. You could be a king or you could be an accountant, I don’t care. It is the man that I love, not the title. It’s you. And I believe that you love me. I don’t think you did that night we were together, but I believe you were responding to my feelings. I believe you love me now.”
“Birdie,” he said, his voice rough. “I didn’t like that in my marriage we had strife. It’s true. But I also never wanted love. It’s a distraction. And for me, it’s not something that I can worry about. Because if I have to worry about loving you, then I will always worry, and I don’t have the strength for it.”
“What about your child?”
“Get out.”
“Onyx…”
“Leave.”
So she did. She gathered up all of her things, and she left. Her heart was breaking. And maybe he would break it fifty more times. For she would be married to him all of their lives. She felt grim and defeated and bruised. She could stop. She could turn around and say she didn’t love him after all. She could even threaten him with a scandal. A royal divorce. But she cared about the fact that he was afraid. She cared about his pain. And that meant bearing it. Letting it become her own.
She took a deep, shaking breath, and began to put her clothes on.
She had purpose. She had her child. She would have tea with Emerald this week. She would have meetings about scholarships and cancer research, and other medical programs.
And all the while she would love him. And in the meantime she would smile. Because she was life.
That would have to be enough.
Onyx felt the crushing weight of pain and anxiety shooting through his chest.
What had he just done?
What had she just done?
The truth was, his denial of her love didn’t do anything to staunch the horror flooding him.
