But Emerald hadn’t been judgmental; she’d been desperate to help take up the charge and plan everything. She was incredibly critical of Circe, and of their relationship, which only made him feel defensive of his late wife. He’d told her as much, but she’d said that all she really wanted was for him to be happy. Was for him to find what he needed, and to have the kind of love that she and Andrei had.
He wasn’t sure that was possible for him. He was a man whose life was marked by duty. But he would take some passion. He’d tasted it, if only for a fleeting moment. If he could just have that…
“You don’t seem fine.”
“I am. I’m going to discover if she was an apparition or a real woman, I suppose.”
The suspense of that was more than he could bear. He just needed it to start.
It was a strange thing to want something for himself. He had wanted only what was good for the nation for a very long time.
But living in the mess made by his previous marriage had showed him that there was a real cost to that.
The real cost had been Circe’s happiness. The entire last part of her life spent in misery with him.
Emerald put her hand on his shoulder. “You deserve to find love,” she said.
“Thank you,” he said. Because there really was no point in telling her love wasn’t the ultimate goal. In telling her he wasn’t entirely sure what drove him other than desire. He’d never been in a position where he could explore that. Maybe this was just the kind of insanity he might’ve experienced when he was a teenage boy. Maybe he wasn’t being driven by anything lofty now. Maybe he was lying to himself. Telling himself that he was doing this in response to Circe’s unhappiness.
Maybe he was only doing it for his libido.
He would hardly be the first man to do so.
As was customary, he allowed the ball to start, making his entrance ten minutes after. He scanned the room. He didn’t see her. Which was a ridiculous thing, because he’d never seen her in a great amount of detail. She’d been nothing more than an impression. She’d been…a feeling. And he was counting on that feeling to guide him now.
It was one reason he appreciated the concept of the masked ball. It was the best way to recapture that moment. Reclaim that connection.
Be driven byfeeling.
By that moment he’d been wrapped up in with her. It had nothing to do with who he was, or who she was. It had everything to do with a kind of magical enchantment, a spell that had come over him. He wanted to feel that again.
He needed to feel it again.
He moved around the room, looking at all of the gorgeous women in their dresses, and they were gorgeous. Confections of fuchsia, bright blue and electric green. Elaborate masks, and beautiful hairstyles. If she felt the same thing he did, she would be here.
He thought of the way her curls had felt sliding through his fingers. She had been so delicate. No one here was quite that.
He could remember how she smelled. The scent of her skin. The lilacs.
He was looking for that now. She wasn’t here.
“Your Highness.”
It was rare for anyone to approach him in the ballroom. Typical protocol demanded he make the first move in any social interaction, and he was taken aback by the tall, redheaded woman in a garish orange gown, clutching two fluttering young women to her side.
“I’m Lady Tremaine. My husband was a very well known businessman in the country before his untimely death, and I was so sorry to hear about your wife, because of course I understand your grief.”
He could see this clearly for what it was and clinging to his manners now was a feat more challenging than it had ever been.
“These are my daughters. Alana and Natalie and—”
And then, there was a rustle in the room, and he turned to look the same direction as everyone else. Arriving down the stairs, her hair a glorious blond halo, all dressed in lilac, the mask that covered her face a glimmering silver and gold with vines. She was like a fairy. And heknew.
As much as he could know anything.
With each step she took down the stairs, her shoes glimmered and glistened, her dress a pastel aura around her. Such a contrast with all of the brightness.
“What is she doing here?” The question was asked with venom, the woman who’d just spoken so sweetly to him now looking murderous.
