Prologue
August 19, 2024, Tennessee...
The machines beeped in a steady rhythm that had become the soundtrack to my personal hell.Beep. Beep. Beep. Each one marking time I didn’t want to pass, counting down to a moment I refused to accept was coming.
I sat in that uncomfortable plastic chair, my hand wrapped around Julie’s, willing her fingers to squeeze back. They didn’t. They hadn’t moved in three days. Three fucking days since the doctors had used words like “brain death” and “no higher function” and “keeping her comfortable.” Three days since they had pulled our daughter from her body in an emergency C-section while Julie’s brain was dying from an embolism nobody saw coming.
One minute she had been awake, smiling at me despite the pain, telling me she loved me. The next, nothing. Just gone. Her eyes open but empty, her body breathing only because a machine was doing it for her.
The ventilator hissed and clicked, breathing for her. Up and down. Up and down. A mechanical rhythm that was nothing like the soft sound of her sleeping beside me every night for the past five years.
I heard footsteps behind me but didn’t turn around. Didn’t want to see the pity in whoever’s eyes. Didn’t want to hear more condolences or suggestions or medical fucking jargon about brain activity and organ failure.
“Hey, beautiful girl,” a familiar voice said, and I knew without looking it was Reaper. “Thought you could use some more company. Sorry I didn’t come sooner.”
He pulled up another chair on the opposite side of Julie’s bed, settling in like he had all the time in the world. Like we weren’t sitting vigil over my dying wife.
“I hear you have a beautiful baby girl,” he said quietly. “Remi’s visiting with her now.”
The mention of my daughter sent a spike of guilt through my chest. “She’s so little,” I heard myself say. “The docs say there might be complications. How am I gonna tell Julie when she wakes up?”
“You tell her the truth, brother.”
Silence followed his words for a beat, then he asked, “Have you gone to see your daughter yet?”
I shook my head, unable to look at him. Unable to admit out loud what a piece-of-shit father I was being. “No. I’m waiting for Julie to wake up.”
“Brother,” Reaper said, leaning forward. “Your daughter is all alone in the NICU. Has been for days. She needs to see her father.”
“I can’t.” My words came out broken, barely a whisper. A lone tear rolled down my face, and I didn’t bother wiping it away. “I can’t do this without her. She wanted a baby. Not me. I just wanted Julie. She’s all I ever wanted. I told her we could adopt. There are so many kids who need a loving home, but she wanted one of her own. Everyone told her it was impossible, but she had to prove them wrong. Now look at my girl.”
“Chapman, look at me.”
I turned my head, meeting Reaper’s eyes. I knew what he saw. A man, destroyed, eyes red and swollen from crying, barely holding on.
“What are the doctors saying?”
“I’m sure everyone’s already told you.”
“Yes, they have, but I want to hear it from you.”
I sighed, turning back to Julie. Looking at her face, still so beautiful even with the tubes and wires. “They said when the placenta fully detached, it caused an embolism that went straight to her brain. They say she felt nothing, but I’m not so sure. One minute she was awake; the next, nothing. They managed to get the baby out fast, but she was so little. She was barely twenty-seven weeks old. I never got to see her. They rushed her out of the room. Julie’s doctors were able to get her heart beating again, but apparently the damage was already done.”
My voice cracked. “Every test they’ve run says the same thing. That my Julie is brain dead. That the machines are the only things keeping her alive. But miracles happen all the time. Right?”
Reaper nodded. “Yeah, brother. They do.”
“The hospital administration wants me to take Julie off the machines. They say if I don’t soon, her body will start to deteriorate. Something about her organs being close to shutting down. But I know my girl, Reaper. She’s a fighter. She won’t ever give up.”
“Brother, listen to me. If there was anything the doctors could do, don’t you think they would have tried it already? From my understanding, Julie’s doctor even called in a specialist for her. Brother, I hate this for you. I really do, and I’m not telling you to give up hope, but you have a baby girl downstairs who’s ready to go home. She’s beaten all the odds, brother. The doctors say she’s healthy and thriving. She’s gonna need her daddy.”
The words hit me like a physical blow. “I’m a dad.”
“Yeah, brother. You are a dad.”
I leaned forward, bringing Julie’s hand to my lips, whispering through tears that wouldn’t stop, “You hear that,baby? You did it. I’m a dad now. We have a baby girl. You did it, Julie.”
“Mr. Moore?”
