“No,” Morgan said, looking over at me. “I certainly did not.”
Her disbelief made it more plausible that we weren’t up for the pub, and Fatima looked like she probably just needed to crawl into bed anyway. So Morgan and I headed out as the group dispersed post-session for the first time in months.
Once we were in the car and at the end of Fatima’s road, I put on my indicator to signal right, towards my house.
“Let’s go to mine,” Morgan said. Instantly I knew why she wanted to go to hers. If we went to mine and she wanted to leave, she’d have to let me drive her home. But if I went to hers? Easy out.
I’d been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say to her during our weekend of no contact. It was almost painful, going that long without speaking. Every stray thought I had that I normally would have texted her – or even said out loud because she would have been with me – just fizzled out instead. But I also knew this wouldn’t be a fun conversation.
I didn’t want Morgan to move to York. That wasn’t a new revelation; I would have said the same thing months ago, even at the start of our friendship. But I knew from last week that she wouldn’t like being asked to stay, no matter what motivation I had. So I was prepared to lay down an ultimatum.
Yes, I knew that an ultimatum was the quickest way to piss her off. But it was also the only way I knew of to communicate how important this was to me more than I already had. And if I wasn’t just as important to her as the other things in her life, then I wanted to know that now. I didn’t want to be like Fatima, and realise eleven years down the line that I wasn’t as much of a priority as I’d thought.
By the time we walked through her green front door and sat down on her green sofa, we hadn’t said a word to one another. Maybe it was just me, but it felt like we both knew what the other was going to say, and we were trying to postpone the inevitable as long as possible. We were soaking wet from the rain, but neither of us seemed to care enough to dry ourselves off.
I grabbed her hand as it lay between us, squeezing her tight. I really did love her, and despite what I knew in my gut was about to happen, I wanted just one last moment with her. She squeezed my hand back, like she was holding onto this last moment before the bomb went off, too.
“I got the job,” she said, and I felt the blood drain out of my body as she did. Her hand slipped out of mine as it slackened.
“Of course you did,” I said. “They would have been stupid not to hire you.”
“Jack…” She sounded so tired. I wasn’t surprised, with everything she was juggling.
But I was tired, too, and I didn’t have the stamina to beat around the bush.
“I can’t do that kind of long distance,” I said, my eyes fixed on my feet. “I’m sorry, because I know I’m the one that pushed you down this path. But I don’t feel it’s unreasonable to think that things should have changed when we got together.”
“Of course things changed,” she said, standing up and moving across the room, leaning against the bookshelf. “Don’t you know how hard this decision has been?”
“Not hard enough,” I said under my breath.
“Excuse me?” she asked, but I knew from the irritation in her voice that she’d heard me.
“Don’t you realise that I love you?” I asked, looking up at her. It was the first time either of us had said those words to each other. And yeah, part of me wanted her to melt then and there, say it back, and ride off into the sunset with me.
But that didn’t happen.
Instead, her back was straight, her arms were crossed, and her gaze was levelled at me. She waspissed.
“How dare you,” she said. “That’s such a cheap shot, trying to use those words to change my mind.”
“Maybe theyshouldchange your mind!” I said, standing too. I paced over to the window seat and back again. “If you loved me, and knew I loved you, wouldn’t you want to stay?”
“Not if it meant giving up what I finally know I want,” she said. “Not if it meant handing over my agency to someone who can’t even admit to himself what he wants for his own life.”
My mouth fell open. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“You know what it means,” she said, unmoving. Unblinking. But I could see the heat simmering beneath the surface. “You can’t even figure out your own bullshit, let alone mine. If you had it your way, nothing would ever change.”
“What are youtalkingabout?” I asked, holding out my arms as if to show her everything that had changed. “There’s been nothingbutchange lately. You and me, Amy moving home, Fatima and Jared breaking up?—”
“There it is,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I knew that had spooked you. I’m not Jared, Jack. I don’t want to break up with you and move to a different continent. And if I could pick up that job and move it here, I would. But I can’t do that.”
“But youdohave a perfectly good job here,” I said, but I could tell from looking at her that I’d lost her. She’d made up her mind. She looked … resigned.
“I want so much for myself, Jack. And you of all people should be proud that I feel bold enough to go after it. To boldly commit to new experiences.”
I felt myself starting to clam up – to turn to stone like I had so many times before, with Morgan and otherwise – but I fought against it. This was too important. I didn’t want to push her away any more than I apparently already had. So I forced myself to breathe, and to stay in the room, and to not freeze over.
