“‘Not good’ is not an emotion,” she said. I huffed, but then wracked my mind for what I was feeling.
“Angry,” I tried.
“You already said that,” she said. “Go deeper. Why were you angry?”
“I was sad?” I tried again, straight away.
“No,” she said insistently. “Jack, just fucking try please. What did youfeel?”
I forced myself to try to give her an answer, but I felt like an idiot. It was eerily like when Morgan had got me to admit that it was fear driving my lifestyle. Except now it was Amy having to play therapist. She’d already watched her big brother have a meltdown, and now I couldn’t even answer a simple question. What was wrong with me?
I focused in on my breathing and tried to calm down, but it was futile, like I was trying to fill that chasm inside me. The chasm that appeared whenever I thought about Morgan.
The same chasm that had spread even further open when I’d watched a future I’d once dreamed for myself sink away in front of me.
Oh.Oh.Was it really that simple?
“I feel grief,” I whispered, more to myself than to Amy. But I knew she heard me, because she pressed her shoulder to me again.
“That’s good,” she said. “Tell me more.”
“Like I’ve lost something that didn’t feel like it was mine to begin with,” I said, and I felt her nod. “Something I wanted so badly, but felt like it was part of a different life. One I don’t get to live. One I said goodbye to a long time ago.”
Amy turned me towards her and put her hands on my arms, ducking her head down and forcing me to catch her gaze. “Jack, listen to me,” she said. “When you and Aria broke up, you were devastated. I get that. It changed who you were as a person.”
Talking about grief, and Morgan, and my future, I felt the mention of Aria in my chest like I hadn’t in years. I felt more tears well up inside me.
“But the decisions you made back then? No one’s holding you to them. You can do whatever the hell you want with your life.”
I shook my head. “It’s a bit late for that,” I said. Amy dropped her hands and flung her arms out to the side, gesturing around her.
“Why?” she asked. “I don’t see anyone holding a gun to your head, making you do anything.”
“But people count on me!” I said, my voice hoarse.
“They do,” Amy said, smiling and nodding. “But only because you’ve made it that way. You’ve put yourself in the position to be as helpful as possible to everyone else, and that’s so lovely. But you need to understand that they would survive without you. And maybe they should.”
On an intellectual level, everything she was saying made sense. I’d embedded myself so that I felt safe, and that became the new status quo. But in becoming embedded, I’d also become … yes, stuck.
“Fuck,” I said, rubbing my hands over my face, which was burning hot despite how cold it was outside. “I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I? All of it.”
“It’s fine,” Amy said, clearly trying to sound as casual as possible. “Nothing’s permanent. Everything is changeable.”
“I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul,” I said jokingly, but Amy just stared up at me. “‘Invictus?’” She shook her head. “Never mind.”
“No, no,” she said, shrugging, “whatever makes you feel better.”
I let out a laugh, which clearly surprised her, because she started nervously laughing, too.
“It does, clearly,” I said, then pulled Amy in for a hug. “Thank you,” I said. “I’m supposed to be the one doling out the wisdom, though. Could you try to be a little less mature?”
“Sorry,” she said, pulling away from me and stepping back towards the door to inside. “You’re being enough of a baby for the both of us.”
“Oh fuck no,” I said as I charged after her. I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back along the deck; she tried to wriggle away, but she was no match for me. I wrapped an arm around her hips and hoisted her over my shoulder in a fireman’s carry.
“Put me down!” she yelled through laughter, banging on my back with her fist. I carried her over to the edge of the deck.
“Not until you bring back the magazine you threw,” I said, eliciting a blood-curdling scream from her as I dropped her into the pond. “I’m gonna need it.”
