But when we rounded the same corner she’d disappeared around, all five of the others were staring at us with goofy grins on their faces, and I could tell from the way Chloe covered her mouth that she’d just told them what she’d guessed.
So far this summer, the others had looked at me differently. They watched closely as Amy and I acted the parts of boyfriend and girlfriend, which hadn’t bothered me, mostly because it was an act. Or at least, that was what Amy and I had agreed on. But suddenly, knowing that things had shifted between us, the others’ scrutiny felt new. Heavier. I wanted to squirm beneath it like a bug under a magnifying glass.
“Hello, lovebirds,” Grey said, their own eyebrows bouncing up and down suggestively. “Good of you to join us.”
“I can always give you the key to the rental if you need it,” Fatima joked.
I tried to put on my most laid-back expression, actively relaxing my jaw and forehead and tipping my head back in laughter.
“Good one, guys,” I said. “Don’t worry, we were just trying to find a photographer.”
They all nodded pacifyingly. “Yeah, okay,” Chloe said. “Hope the pics turned out well.”
I felt Amy’s hand snake around my waist, and I saw Morgan tracking the movement. She didn’t look sceptical, or upset, or anything like that. But still, I instinctively shimmied away from Amy’s touch.
But then I turned back to see that she was looking up at me, her eyes wide and her jaw set, and my stomach sank.Shit.
“Got it,” she spat once the others had turned away, and her lip started trembling. She bit it between her teeth, and I looked down to see her squeezing her hands into tight fists at her side. “I see how it is.”
“Let’s just keep it chilled around the others,” I said, suddenly self-conscious of the hundreds of eyes we had on us as people milled around the reflecting pool, even as our friends walked back towards the festivities. “No unnecessary PDA, right?”
“Right,” she said, nodding, releasing none of the tension. “I wouldn’t want to embarrass you.”
I opened my mouth to correct her, but I had no idea what to say to make it better. So I just watched as she followed after the others, knowing that somehow I’d had everything I wanted in my hands and still managed to fuck it up. Again.
* * *
For the restof the afternoon, Amy and I tried our best to avoid each other. There was a feeling, at least on my end, of having been caught doing something wrong, and whilst I definitely didn’t regret that our feelings had finally caught up with us, I did wonder if perhaps we should have discussed what it meant before going there. Because the reality was that I didn’t know.
So when we decided to split up to see a few different acts, I was slightly relieved that Amy went with her brother, Morgan, and Fatima to try out the archery range. Which meant Grey and I ended up babysitting Chloe the rest of the afternoon as she flitted in and out of the drinks tent, having apparently broken up with Lauren yet again and attempting to drown her sorrows in mead. She was a mead fiend at the best of times, but she was hitting it a bit hard, even for her, waving us off over and over so she could flirt with the bartender, even though she was clearly not interested. So Grey and I grabbed a bit of food from a nearby truck and found a table where we could keep an eye on her.
Grey asked pretty immediately how things were going with Amy, and I had no idea how to answer. But I’d known them since uni, including all through that summer five years earlier, and of everyone in our little group, they were the most objective.
I rested my head on my hand, running it over my face, smoothing down my beard. “Not well, mate. I think I’m really ballsing this up.”
They laughed, which earned a glare, but they didn’t give a shit. “Sounds about right,” they said. “You never did know how to keep things casual.”
I frowned. “I’m not trying to keep things casual.”
“Yeah, right. If you weren’t holding onto casual with all your might, you two would be shacked up by now.”
“I don’t know what you’re on about,” I said, stabbing a cheesy chip with a dull wooden fork.
They tilted their head and gave me an exasperated look. “As long as I’ve known you, even before I met Amy, it’s been crystal clear what was bubbling under all that ‘banter’,” they said, using their fingers to make scare quotes around “banter”.
“All that time?” I asked, incredulous. “No way.”
“I mean, when was that summer you wouldn’t shut up about her? Four or so years ago, maybe?”
“Five,” I muttered.
“See? You know exactly what I’m talking about. And it’s always been that way. So maybe don’t try so hard. Maybe just admit that, as long as you’ve both been adults, there’s been something there. Because if you keep fighting that history, you’re gonna lose.”
I sighed. “But that history is the exact problem. If we dive in headfirst and it doesn’t work out, she’s gonna get hurt.I’mgonna get hurt. And everyone else in our lives will suffer for it.”
“I think we’ll be fine,” they said, but I shook my head.
“She’s so important to Ethel already. I don’t wanna imagine what would happen if Amy and I couldn’t be around each other anymore.”
