“It wouldn’t be enough,” I said, and I watched as hurt and what looked like fear flashed across his face.
“Amy, I’m so, so sorry about earlier,” he said.
“About when?” I asked, crossing my arms in a gesture I knew looked petulant, but I couldn’t help it. “When you were fingering me on a castle wall, or when you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me afterward in front of our—yourfriends?”
He ran a hand over his face. “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. It just happened so fast.”
“I know that,” I said, feeling my voice raise. “Don’t you think I know that? I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expectinganything.”
“Me either,” he said, tilting his head to catch my gaze. “But that doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have brushed you off after, no matter how flustered I was. I get it.”
“No,” I said sharply, biting back my tears. “You don’t get it. The problem is that nothing’s changed for you.”
“Amy,” he started, but I shook my head, standing up and moving past him, taking care not to trip again.
“No, Phil, I can’t fucking do this. I’m so tired of dancing around the truth. So let’s just put it all out there.”
He stepped towards me too, though not too close, and I was glad for it. I couldn’t have done this if he’d been too close.
“I get it,” I said, my voice breaking. I stared at the floor, knowing I needed to say this before I chickened out. But we needed to salvage what was left of this arrangement before we blew up our friendships in the process. “The proximity effect was in full swing, and we got carried away. I get that it doesn’t mean the same thing to you that it does to me. In your mind, I’m still the desperate twenty-year-old home from uni, and you’re still my brother’s best friend who thinks I’m tooembarrassingto be seen with like that. That’s a lot to move past, and if you can’t do it, that’s fine. Let’s just reset. We’ve only got a few weeks left, and we can ease off the physicality and the time together in the name of preserving a shred of shared dignity. We said that time would tell if this arrangement was working, and I know it’s not working right now. But that doesn’t mean we should throw it away entirely. I know you’ve gotten everything you wanted from me, but I still need this. Please.”
He was quiet for a long moment. “Is that what you think?” he asked, his voice rasping. He stepped forward, narrowing that all-important space between us.
“I don’t have to think it,” I said. “You prove it every fucking day. Apparently you’re perfectly happy to stare at my tits in the river or stick your hand up my skirt so long as no one else is around, but even the slightest touch in front of the others sets you on edge. It’s humili?—”
“Amy,” he interrupted, his voice deep and stern like it had been in the repair tent earlier. He stepped forward again, robbing us of any remaining space, and closed his eyes. “Fucking hell,” he said, and it was almost a growl. “You seriously have no idea, do you.”
My breath hitched, and I tried to step back, but he grabbed me, and I froze. His voice sounded laboured, and I could tell even with his beard that his jaw was clenched.
“If your touch sets me on edge,” he said, “it’s because every nerve ending in my body is suddenly focused on you. And if I flounder in front of the others when I’ve just had my hands on you, it’s because I can’t even reconcile to myself how crazy you make me, much less to them.”
“Because I’m your best friend’s obnoxious little sister?” I asked, my eyes fixed on our feet.
“Shut the fuck up,” he said suddenly, and I gulped in surprise. “You know damn well that’s not true. It’s because I know that the moment I give in to this, the moment we let ourselves go there, that’s it. I’m done for. And giveneverythingelse I have going on in my life, that scares the shit out of me.”
He brought his fingers to my chin, lifting it so I had no choice but to meet his gaze.
“Amy Evans, the only obnoxious thing about you is that no matter what I try, I can never get you out of my head.”
He said it so smoothly that I was almost convinced it was a line, but he wasn’t smirking anymore. He was giving me everything I’d ever wanted– what I’d wished for since I knew it was a thing onecouldwish for– after all this time.
“Do youwantto get me out of your head?” I asked, hoping against all hope that this wasn’t too good to be true. “Out of your system? Because that’s not what I want.”
“Absolutely not.”
With that, I felt the insecurity that had been plaguing me all day– hell, all summer– fall away. I took a few steps back, breathing out slowly, willing myself to take what was finally being offered. I was done waiting. If he wanted me, he could have me. But he’d have to come to me. All the way this time.
“Then prove it.”
In one fast motion, I pulled my nightshirt off over my head, showing him that I wasn’t wearing anything underneath.
It took him less than a second to process what he was seeing before he was on top of me. He practically tackled me onto the still-dressed side of the bed, knocking a laugh out of me that continued as he shoved all the pillows and blankets out of the way, dragging me up the bed until my head found the cushioned headboard. His mouth pressed to mine with such force that it pushed me deep into the mattress, his weight on top of me just as I’d imagined all those nights at home alone. It was intoxicating.
I fumbled between the two of us as he kissed me, desperate to feel his skin on mine. I pulled his shirt off over his head, and it was like he didn’t even notice, he was back to kissing me so quickly. Then it was time to push down his shorts, and I almost gasped when his length hit my belly, already hard. I felt a pulse of anticipation between my legs.
“Big boy indeed,” I said, smiling up at him as he drank me in. But he didn’t laugh, or even smile, just dropped his head to my breasts, taking one into his mouth so forcefully I couldn’t tell if it hurt or felt incredible.
What absolutely felt incredible was the way his tongue flicked over my nipples, making me arch into him. I moved my hands to the top of his head to push him lower– I needed that tongue working elsewhere– but he was already on his way, and his mouth closed around me so suddenly that it made me bolt upright.
