“Well, I am worried about you,” Anil said, “but that’s not what I meant. I meant that it’s not healthy for Ethel.”
I blinked at him. “Sorry?”How is me giving her every possible resource and assistance not healthy for her?I didn’t ask.
He nodded. “It’s coming from a good place. I know that. I’ve seen how much you love her and how well you look after her. I’m not suggesting you’re not doing your best. But it can actually cause a faster decline to approach things the way you are.”
I could feel my breathing grow shallow, and I sat back to try to deepen it. I fought the instinct to shut it down– to tell him to leave me to my juggling and we’d both be fine. But I pictured Ethel in the other room, listening to an audiobook, and I thought of how Anil had worked so hard to help me get my feet under me after her diagnosis. And I figured if I could let anyone help me, it should be him. We wanted the same thing, after all, which was the best for Ethel.
“You’re gonna have to walk me through this,” I said, and I could hear the strain in my voice. “Because I swear, Anil, I’m trying my best to do the right thing. So what am I doing wrong?”
He chewed his tongue as he stared down at his hands, clearly considering something. “How honest do you want me to be?” he asked eventually.
“Completely honest,” I said without even thinking, and the moment it was out of my mouth I regretted it. I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever he said next.
Anil took a deep breath. “I think you need to consider moving Ethel into a care facility.”
I stood up straight before he’d even finished the word “moving”. I shook my head as I paced back and forth across the kitchen.
“That’s not an option,” I said, instantly feeling my breath quicken again.
“Why, Phil? Please, genuinely, tell me why.”
“Because it’s not,” I said, more forcefully than I intended, and then brought my hand to my mouth.
“Is everything okay?” I heard Ethel call from the lounge.
“Yes, sorry,” I called back. “Just speaking with Anil.”
Ethel didn’t respond, which told me she either hadn’t heard me, hadn’t cared to hear me, or didn’t currently remember who Anil was.
“It’s not an option,” I said, pointing towards the other room. “That saint of a woman took me in when I was eight years old, becoming a mum again at sixty. She came out of early retirement to provide for me and gave me everything I ever wanted or needed.”
“I know that,” Anil said, his hands open in front of him, pleading. “And believe me, it’s so clear to anyone who meets you both how much you love Ethel. How grateful you are to her. But Phil, I’ve seen this happen before with others I’ve cared for. There are usually more people to share the load, but when there aren’t, it’s always one person thinking they need to do everything, even if their loved one doesn’t want that for them. And I can saysoconfidently that Ethel doesn’t want you sacrificing everything to care for her.”
“Don’t fucking speak for her,” I said, instantly right back in that pink room with Amy, pointing my finger in anger.
But Anil wasn’t Amy, and he pushed up away from the worktop. “Then who will, Phil? Because I don’t think you are.”
My mouth dropped open. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He put his hands up in a kind of surrender, as if he felt he’d gone too far. “I mean that, if you’re the one speaking for her, then be honest. Do you think, if she woke up fully lucid tomorrow, that she’d be happy with the way you’ve shut yourself off from everyone and everything in your life to care for her? Genuinely, do you? Because if so, maybe I’m wrong.”
But he wasn’t wrong. I knew he wasn’t. Because if Ethel woke up fully lucid, the first thing she’d do after telling me off for how I’d treated Amy would be to check herself in. And I knew it.
But I also knew that as soon as it happened, that would be it. It wouldn’t be Ethel and me against the world anymore, the way it had been for as long as I could remember. It would be just me, away from her. And if I didn’t have Ethel, then who was I? I’d never existed in the world outside of the context of who I was to her.
“You’re not wrong,” I admitted, sitting down in the closest chair, across from Anil this time. “But she’s not there yet.”
“She’s closer than you think.”
“Okay, well,I’mnot there yet.”
“And that’s okay,” he said, leaning back again. “There are lots of middle ground options. But they all involve you letting go and investing in a bit more care for her. Because looking at you, you’re not gonna make it much longer. And if you think she wouldn’t want you giving up everything to care for her, imagine how pissed she’d be if you flamed out because of it. You can only do your best, and that doesn’t mean ignoring your own health and limitations and sanity for her sake.”
Anil made sure I was looking him in the eye before he continued.
“Phil, if you shoulder all of that burden yourself, and then you break, she breaks with you.”
“Then I won’t break,” I insisted, though I knew I sounded less confident than I’d intended.
