I nodded, understanding. “Soall the travel memories are with her.”
“Exactly.”
We both went quiet as we rounded a narrow bend where the banks closed in on either side; the water moved more swiftly, so we dug deep with each stroke to get past it.
It wasn’t the same asJack’ssituation, butIthought anyway about how long it had taken me to stop associating everything with my mom after she’d died; how long beforeGwenynenhad stopped feeling like a shrine to her.EvenwhenJenhad tried her best to move us forward, it had been years beforeI’dstopped feeling her loss so acutely everywhereIlooked.IdoubtedI’dever feel whole without her.Iknew it wasn’t the same, but, still,Iunderstood what he meant.
“Have you managed?”Iasked, as we reached a suspended footbridge.Awoman jogged over it, pushing a pram, as we passed below.
“What’s that?”
“To overwrite any of those memories.”
I glanced over at him when he didn’t respond immediately and saw his forehead creased in thought.
“Somewhat,” he said. “Notall the way.”
“Surely they’re not all bad, though.”
He shook his head. “No, they’re not.”
“You andMorganseem good together, though,”Isaid, not really having been around them enough to say that confidently, but it seemed like the right thing to say.Jackgrinned, so it must have been.
“We are,” he said. “Ascheesy as it sounds, she’s my person.”
I wondered what that felt like, having a person.SomeoneIloved so much thatIwanted nothing more than to make new memories together.Someonewho was my loverandmy best friend, as cheesy as that felt to want.
I’d had plenty of lovers over the years– okay, plenty was a bit of an exaggeration, but dry spells hadn’t ever lasted too long, at least when back inCalifornia– but precious few real friends.Livinga double life made that difficult, knowingIwouldn’t be around in a few months’ time, keeping things surface-level as a result.AndI’dcertainly never had anyone who was both.
“You andChloehave an interesting dynamic,”Jacksaid, and as much asIwould have liked to believe he was the reasonIstarted thinking about her,I’dalready been holding her face in my mind.
“If by interesting you mean mercurial.”
Jack huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, well, that’sChloefor you.She’dtell you it’s because she’s aLeo, but really it’s because she cares so much.”
I frowned. “Doesshe?BecausesometimesIget the impression she doesn’t care much at all.”I’dstarted to wonder if that was true, butIcouldn’t get the evidence of it out of my mind.
“Nah, she’s got the opposite problem,” he said. “Ifanything, she cares too much about too many things.It’swhy she gets pulled in so many directions all the time.”
“Hmm.”Ididn’t know what to say to that– was that why she’d failed to take a sabbatical at work?Becauseshe cared about both things?Orbecause what she cared about had shifted so suddenly that she hadn’t bothered to tie up loose ends?Iwasn’t sure which was worse.Selfishly, whatever was best forGwenynenwas whatIwanted.And, given how wellChloehad been doing,Ihad to admit that what was best might be her.Butonly if she was committed to it the way she should be.ThewayIwould be, ifIwere the one with an actual opportunity to stay.
We turned around at the next bend just before another bridge and started downstream.Thiswould be the easy part, andIwas grateful; my shoulders and core were on fire.DespitewhatI’dinsisted toMorgan, it had been a hot minute sinceI’dlast been in a kayak.
“So, you said your dad is a raft guide?”Jackasked, andImust have visibly grimaced, because he quickly jumped to apologise.
“Sorry,” he said. “Youdon’t have to answer me.”
“It’s okay,”Isaid, surprised to find that it was.Jackwas easy to talk to, and he’d been open with me about his ex and his past. “Ithink he’s still certified, but he hasn’t worked in a while.He’san alcoholic, and it’s gotten bad enough that he got fired from his last gig as a climbing instructor onTheGrack.”
Jack grimaced. “Theoutdoors life is tough.Iremember a lot of folksImet in that line of work ended up struggling with that sort of thing.”
“Yeah, well, my mom passed away a while back, and he’s not taken it well.”
We weren’t really paddling at this point, just steering ourselves as the current carried us, soItook a few deep breaths to keep my cool.Jackwas nice, butIdidn’t love the idea of getting emotional, no matter whoIwas around.Jenwas the only one who ever saw me that way.I’dcome close withChloein the polytunnel, butI’dkept it together, even then.
“Does he never come with you?”
I shook my head. “Henever has.MomandIhad been coming for years before she died, but it was always his peak season back home.Ithink they liked it that way.Absencemakes the heart grow fonder and all that.Permanentabsence, on the other hand…”
