One who was currently still naked in my bed, making me feel all kinds of panicked.Because, likeI’dtold her,Icaught feelings like other people caught colds.AndI’dcaught every good feeling forTeddy.Butshe was leaving soon, andIwas essentially taking what she wanted away from her.Jenhadn’t exactly offered me the job permanently, but she’d all but confirmed that she planned to.Istill wasn’t quite convinced that the event would go well– there was so much that could go wrong, especially with me at the helm– but either way, in a month’s time,Teddywould be forced to go back into waiting mode, thousands of miles away, andI’dhave what she’d wanted for herself for so long.
If the tables were turned,Iwasn’t sure howI’dfeel.
I eventually found my own clothes and went downstairs to get coffees for both of us from the hotel’s breakfast service.WhenIcame back up,Teddywas sitting up in bed, and my breath caught despite all my angsty feelings.Shewas beautiful in the morning light, all rumpled hair and sleepy eyes and bare skin thatIwanted badly to touch again, even as my brain was screaming warnings.
I sat down next to her on the bed, and she immediately leaned in for a kiss.Ididn’t pull away, but my heart wasn’t in it– or, at least, my brain wasn’t– and she sensed the difference immediately.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, studying my face with those perceptive caramel-coloured eyes.Psh, brown.TheAmericanlicensing people had no idea what they were talking about.Inthe face of those eyes,Icouldn’t put on a front.Notanymore.
I took a breath, trying to find the words. “Ithink last night was a mistake.”
I watched her face change; saw her expression go carefully blank. “What?Why?”
“Because we want the same thing,Teddy.”
She frowned. “Well, yeah.That’skind of the point, isn’t it?”
“No,”Isaid, shaking my head. “Imean, we both want the same thing for ourselves; something that, for now at least, can only belong to one of us.”
Teddy’s face uncreased from confusion to realisation. “Toyou,” she said. “Iunderstand now.”
I nodded. “You’releaving in just a few weeks.And, yeah, you’re coming back, but can you honestly tell me you don’t resent at all thatIget to stay and you don’t?”
I watched her eyes as they processed whatIwas asking.Theystarted out soft and open, butIcould practically see her walls slam back into place.Theopen expression from moments before disappeared behind the familiar mask.
“We didn’t think enough about it,”Isaid.Itwas a lie;I’dbeen thinking of little else for months.Butlast night had hardly been a well-considered moment. “Idon’t want one chaoticdecisionto ruin things for both of us.”
“Right,” she said quietly. “Ofcourse.You’reabsolutely right.”
Part of me had been hoping she’d argue; that she’d tell meIwas wrong, and that we could figure it out somehow.Thatshe wouldn’t resent me, and that maybe we could be together anyway.
But she didn’t.Ofcourse she didn’t; her feelings for me, assuming she had any to begin with, would pale in comparison to how badly she wanted a life atGwenynen.Soinstead, she just pressed her mouth into a thin line and hugged the sheets closer around her.
I turned my back to her whilst she dressed, the easy intimacy we’d shared just hours before replaced by careful politeness.Shedisappeared through the door separating our rooms, andIrealised she’d left her side unlocked, causing a stabbing sensation in my gut.Maybeshe had wanted things, even before she’d gotten all drunk and adorable.
But that didn’t change the outcome, did it?
* * *
The drive back was excruciating– hours of silence that felt like smoke pooling around us, sucking the air out of the van.Iactuallyhad to roll the window down to feel likeIcould breathe.
When we pulled up outside my building,Ihesitated with my hand on the door handle.
“Do you want to come in for tea?”Iasked, butIdidn’t expect for a second that she’d say yes.
“I should get back,”Teddysaid without looking at me. “Jenwill be wondering how it went.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything else.
I didn’t look back asIwalked to my front door, butIcould hear her idling for a long moment before she finally drove away.
Inside my flat,Ilooked at the pile of workIknewIshould tackle for the festival; various notebooks lay stacked on top of my laptop, and a rainbow of sticky notes littered the general area around my workspace.Therewere emails to respond to, promotional materials to design, and an obscene number of unread emails in my inbox.Iwas genuinely worried about getting it all done in time.
ButIcouldn’t bring myself to do any of it.Becauseas much asIknewI’ddone the right thing, it didn’t feel good.Infact, it feltwrong.
So, instead of making myself lunch and getting started on my pile of work,Ihopped in the shower to wash off the regret of last night, hoping to steam the raw feeling away.
* * *
