“Is dinner ready, Mommy?” he asked.
“Just about,” she replied, pushing back her feelings so that she could focus on being a good parent, a skill she’d perfected in the immediate aftermath of Keith’s death. “Can you set the table?”
“Sure!” Benjamin said agreeably. “Levi, do you want to help me?”
Levi looked at June probingly for another long moment, but then he turned to Benjamin with a friendly smile.
“Sure thing, kiddo,” he said. “Show me where everything is.”
It was only Benjamin’s endless chatter that got June through the dinner. It wasn’t that Levi was awkward. No, she was the one who was awkward. Levi was perfectly charming and kind to Benjamin, which of course made everything so much worse. It made it all too easy to imagine how nice it could be, if things worked out with Levi. How they could have a good time together, not just as a couple, but all three of them.
Except that was not fated to be, and the sooner June got that through her mind, the better.
Eventually, the dinner ended, much to June’s mingled relief and regret. Benjamin hopped up, put his plate in the dishwasher without her even asking, and then turned to Levi.
“Do you want to play some more?” he asked, and it was the final blow to June’s heart. She had to busy herself with tidying up to hide the emotion that she knew was visible on her face.
“Let me talk to your mom for a little bit, okay?” she heard Levi say to Benjamin.
“Sure!” Benjamin was entirely unbothered before he scampered off. That was one thing, at least. Maybe he wouldn’t be crushed when Levi didn’t come around any longer.
“June.”
Levi’s voice came from right behind her the moment before his hand landed on her shoulder. There was something resigned to it, but, then again, that made sense. He couldn’t have been unaware of her discomfort during their meal.
“I’m sorry,” she said, blinking her eyes a few times before she turned to face him. She leaned back against the counter, needingto put some space between them even as so much of her longed to ask for a hug, instead.
Levi let her retreat. He gave her a confused, sad sort of smile.
“I just… don’t understand,” he said. “I thought things were going well, but then all of a sudden… they weren’t?”
She took a deep breath. “You were wonderful with Benjamin,” she said.
“And that is… bad?”
Her laugh was watery. “No,” she assured him. “No, not at all. It was great. I owe you a thanks, actually. The way you talked to him about his diagnosis was wonderful. I really appreciate it.”
“But?” he prompted, clearly sensing that this was not all that there was to the story.
She spread her hands. “But I don’t know what I’m doing here,” she admitted. “I think you’re great, but I am so new to dating while having a child. And you’re still figuring things out with your plans, and I think it’s just all…” She had to pause to sniff again. Levi’s hand twitched at his side when she did so, as if he wanted to reach out to comfort her. She wasn’t sure whether she was grateful or regretful when he didn’t.
“It’s all just a lot,” she said. “And I think we should just… slow down. Take a beat.”
Levi still looked baffled, but he was such agoodman that of course he didn’t do anything more than give her a slow, thoughtful nod. Of course he respected her boundary without questioning.
“Okay,” he said. “I don’t necessarily agree, but I don’t need to agree. You get to set the pace here. I said that before and I still mean it. So, I’ll go.”
His kindness was breaking her heart.
“Thank you,” she said softly.
“But June…” He trailed off and didn’t finish the thought until she met his eye. “I’m not calling it, not yet, okay? I’m a grownman; you setting a limit isn’t going to scare me off. I know how to hear things I don’t want to hear, all right? But I’m also not a quitter. So unless you’re telling me you don’t want to see me ever again, I’m going to keep my hopes up. We’ll go slow, but we don’t stop unless you say we have to stop.”
June knew that the wisest thing would be to make a clean break now. She couldn’t be helping anyone by keeping their hopes alive, could she?
But… she couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t look at him and say that she never wanted to see him again.
“I’m sorry I’m making this so difficult,” she said instead.
