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‘Perhaps I shouldn’t have said. She never likes to talk about herself.’
‘I know. I’ll give her a ring.’
But when I call, there’s no answer, so I leave an awkward voicemail. ‘Hey, Anna. It’s Milly. I know it’s been a little while. I’m sorry about that.’ I pause, blowing out a breath, trying to find the words. ‘I hope you’re okay.’ Which makes it sound as if I think she isn’t, but it’s too late to clarify what I meant, I’ve already disconnected the call.
I wait for Anna to call back, but she doesn’t. A few days later, she finally sends a text, just a quick message to say she’s fine, and that she’s been busy. It feels a bit like a brush-off, and I wonder what’s going on, if anything. I wonder if I want to know.
‘Why don’t you just invite her over?’ Matt asks when I mention my low-level fears that there might be something wrong. ‘Have her and Jack over for dinner?’
‘I don’t know if they’re still seeing each other.’
‘You don’t?’ Matt looks surprised. ‘They certainly are, Milly. Jack mentioned it to me a few days ago – he took her up to see the house in Stroud. It’s almost finished.’
‘Oh, really?’ I try to sound offhand, but I am shaken. Why wouldn’t Anna tell me about that? Is it because she knows I feel strange about her relationship with Jack? Or is it because I am realising, more and more, that Anna doesn’t tell me anything? ‘Right, I’ll invite them both.’
A week later, they are in my kitchen, sitting at my table, and I feel uneasy. Anna looks as if she is in love, and I notice they hold hands under the table. Why am I not okay with this? Am I that insecure, that selfish, that I don’t want my best friend to be happy?
‘So things are going well with Jack?’ I ask brightly when Anna and I are clearing up, Matt and Jack outside on the patio.
‘Yes, I think so.’ She smiles quietly to herself, as if she’s keeping a secret. I feel excluded, even though she’s right here next to me, rinsing plates.
‘That’s good.’ For once I am at a loss for words. Anna feels a bit like a stranger to me now, and I realise it’s been happening gradually, bit by bit, a chipping away of the security and strength I took for granted, until we’re both free floating and anchorless. ‘Mum mentioned something about work? Is everything okay there?’
She hesitates, and then shrugs. ‘Lara’s giving me some trouble. Just the usual, really.’
‘Right.’ And then, for perhaps the first time in our lives, we have nothing more to say to one another.
‘That went fine, didn’t it?’ Matt asks when they’ve gone and we’re sitting on the sofa, my feet in his lap.
‘I suppose.’ I know he’ll only roll his eyes at the nebulous feeling I have that something is off between us, the growing fear that perhaps something always has been, and it’s taken this – this baby, this situation – to show me.
‘Don’t worry so much, Mills. You’re almost in the home stretch.’ He pats my bump lovingly. ‘Thirty weeks now.’
‘I know.’
‘Once the baby comes, you’ll be able to put all these little ups and downs into perspective,’ he continues. I know he means to be encouraging, but I feel patronised.
‘These little ups and downs aren’t so little, Matt. Anna is important to me. We’ve been friends for over twenty years.’
‘And nothing’s actually wrong between you, right?’
‘Right.’ I know I can’t explain it to him, not so he’d understand. What would I even say? That things feel a bit awkward? Anna herself said things were bound to be a bit strange, and perhaps Matt is right. Once I have Alice, things will be different. Everything will make sense. It will all be worth it.
I repeat those promises as if I can make myself believe them, and I almost do.
Fourteen
Anna
After keeping so many secrets for so long, I’ve finally told my biggest one to Jack, and it felt like the scariest and most wonderful thing I’ve ever done.
When he called, months ago now, and I asked him to come over, he came straight away. He held me in his arms and let me speak, the words spilling out, freeing me.
‘I’m dealing with a sexual harassment case at work,’ I began, feeling as if I were taking my finger out of the hole in the dam. ‘And it brought up some memories…’
‘You mean the relationship you were in, back when you were eighteen?’ Jack asked gently.
‘Yes.’ I continued to wipe my eyes, which seemed determined to stream. ‘Yes. That. At work, one of the graduate apprentices was… propositioned, I suppose, by her boss.’ I shouldn’t have been telling him that much, and yet I had to, for context. Because I had to tell him about me. ‘And it reminded me… about when I was eighteen. Well, seventeen to start…’ I stopped, and Jack put his arms around me.
