But sometimes it just makes me feel, I don’t know, really fucking hollow. Like I’m still hiding, still playing by somebody else’s rules. I should be on top of the world. Instead, I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, a guest star in a role I never auditioned for.
My thoughts must be written all over my face, because suddenly there’s a gentle tap on my shoe under the table. I look up, and Spence is watching me, something soft and almost worried behind the steel in his eyes. “Are you okay?” he asks, voice low enough that only I can hear.
I clear my throat, forcing a smile. “Yeah, totally good, bro.”
Spence rolls his eyes. “No, you’re not. You haven’t called me ‘bro’ in months.”
I drop my eyes to my palms in my lap. My chest aches. The music, the laughter, all the happiness in the room feels like it’s happening in another world, one I don’t have a membership to. Spence taps my foot with his again, insistent this time. I lift my head, and he says, “Let’s go for a walk. I saw a park not far behind the roller rink.”
I nod, eager for air. “Yeah, okay.”
He stands first, smoothing his tux, already slipping back into his armor—cool, cutting, always a little distant. I follow, hoping maybe this is the night I finally find the words for everything I’ve been holding inside.
We weave through the rink, Spence’s shoulders squared, his walk all purpose, tux fitting so perfectly over his broad frame that I can’t help but stare at his ass as I follow him. He’s laser-focused, cutting through the crowd. My heart slams a little harder than it should.
We slip out the back, the cool air biting after the disco haze inside. Spence gestures to the right, and up ahead, I spot a dog park—chain-link fence, a couple benches, strays of golden sunlight splintering through budding trees as the sun dips low. The place is empty but for a couple dogs barreling after a frisbee, their owners trailing far behind. It’s quiet, safe.
I stuff my hands in my pockets, suddenly itchy to fill the silence. “So, that was a nice ceremony. And who woulda thought a roller rink could turn into a killer wedding reception, right? I mean, Anthony’s always had that knack for entertaining. Did you see the roller skate centerpieces? Like, who thinks of this stuff—”
Spence cuts me off, voice even, but not unkind. “Ryan. It’s usually adorable when you ramble, but you’re not acting like yourself today. What’s going on with you?”
I could play it off. Pretend it’s nothing. Pretend I wasn’t just watching two men promise forever, open and fearless, while I’m stuck living on the sidelines. But I’ve let Spence in more than I should—over these months, he’s become someone I actually trust. Someone I want to be honest with. Even if we’re “nothing,” we know each other now in ways that matter.
I know I’m not supposed to catch feelings, but moments like this—him pulling me out to check in—make it so damn hard not to want more.
I shrug, looking away. “I’m fine, really. Weddings are just hard when you don’t have the option to have that kind of happiness.”
He glances over at me as we walk a little deeper into the park, the hush of dusk around us. “You always have options, Ryan. You just have to weigh the risks.”
I let out a short, humorless laugh. “You make it sound like a legal transaction. It’s not always black and white, Spence.”
He shrugs, that signature edge in his tone. “Everything has gray areas, Ryan. I’m just saying you always have a choice.”
I sigh because maybe he’s right, but it doesn’t feel that simple. “You’re right. I do have a choice. It’s just a messy one to make.”
“Your career?”
“Mm. Not just that,” I tell him. “I could come out. I’m sure I could navigate it with Anthony’s help.”
Spence hums. “What is it, then?”
“It’s mostly my father,” I admit, blowing out a breath. Then I decide to be a little vulnerable. “He caught me with my best friend’s dick down my throat when I was eighteen.”
“Oh,” he winces. “That couldn’t have gone over well with him.”
“It didn’t,” I say, scoffing. “And he threatened to end me if I ever embarrassed him or the family name with my perversion. And believe me, he’ll make good on it.”
“Ryan—"
Today has already been a lot, so I interrupt him to distract from my own bullshit. “Spence?”
He grunts, “Hmm?”
I glance sidelong at him. “Why don’t you kiss?”
He stiffens but keeps walking. “Why are you asking me that right now?”
I shrug, trying to play it casual. “Dunno. We’re talking about choices, and that’s…a choice. So are your other rules.”
