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‘But—’
‘I woke up with her and gave her one of the bottles you’d made up that were in the fridge. She went back to sleep a little while ago. She’s fine.’
‘Oh.’ Maisie sat back against the pillows, drawing the duvet up to cover her breasts and then pushing a wild hank of hair out of her eyes, surprised and shyly pleased by Antonio’s actions.
‘Is that okay?’ Antonio asked as he handed her a cup of coffee and sat down next to her, the musky scent of him invading her senses as the mattress bowed beneath his weight.
‘Yes, of course.’ Maisie took a much-needed sip of coffee and murmured, ‘Thank you.’
‘It was my pleasure, as well as my duty. You wake up with Ella every morning.’
‘I don’t mind—’
‘I know you don’t.’ He rested one hand on her arm, his fingers curving around her wrist. ‘But I don’t, either.’
Maisie took another sip of coffee, steeling herself for the conversation she knew they needed to have. She couldn’t go on this way, seesawing between hope and fear, wondering if anything had really changed this time, or if Antonio was going to suddenly turn remote and chilly. Surely knowing was better than not, and yet...she was afraid to know. To have it end.
‘Antonio, what happens now?’ she asked quietly.
He arched an eyebrow. ‘Now?’
‘Now, today, tomorrow, for ever. Well, not for ever,’ she clarified hastily, wishing she hadn’t said something so stupid. She didn’t want Antonio to think she was thinking in those terms.
‘You mean between us.’ He stated the words quietly, his gaze both appraising and inscrutable. She had no idea what he thought about it. About them.
‘Yes, between us. Things keep changing—one day I feel very close to you, and the next...’ She spoke haltingly, cringing inwardly at how vulnerable she was being and yet knowing she needed to say this. She needed answers. She needed knowledge. And yet it felt so very exposing, so incredibly raw, to admit as much. It felt weak too, because surely she should be calling the shots or at least trying to, rather than just giving Antonio all the power. The trouble was, she didn’t know how to do that. How to be that strong.
‘The next you don’t.’ Antonio spoke matter-of-factly, a flat note in his voice that made Maisie cringe even more.
‘Well...yes.’ She examined his face, searching his features for some hint as to how he felt about what she was saying, about her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Antonio said after a moment. ‘I know I haven’t been exactly fair.’
‘I don’t know if it’s a question of fair. It’s just... I need to know how you feel. What you want.’ She swallowed painfully. ‘Even if it’s difficult...for both of us.’
Antonio didn’t answer for a long moment. ‘Sometimes I don’t know how I feel,’ he finally said in a low voice. ‘Or what I want.’
‘Okay,’ Maisie said after a pause, fighting a wash of disappointment at his obvious ambivalence. What had she expected? For Antonio to pull her into his arms and declare his undying love? Yeah, right.
‘I don’t know what I feel,’ Antonio continued, ‘because I haven’t let myself feel anything for so long. Years. Decades.’
‘Since Paolo’s death,’ Maisie clarified softly.
‘Yes.’ He met her gaze steadily, but she could tell it cost him.
‘So if you let yourself feel,’ she asked, her throat aching and her heart thumping, ‘what would you feel?’
The question hung in the air between them, suspended, the moment endless.
‘I don’t know,’ Antonio said at last, and once again Maisie fought the flood of disappointment. Stupid to feel it, she knew. She could hardly expect Antonio to proclaim he loved her...could she? Just because she was starting to fall for him, a relentless tumble that was snowballing faster and faster as she learned more about him. Learned that he wasn’t the ruthless businessman she’d assumed he was, not by a long shot. And maybe he wasn’t the careless playboy, either, even though he’d certainly given that impression. But none of that meant he loved her. Not remotely.
‘What I do know,’ Antonio said, his voice growing stronger, ‘is that I don’t want us to have some businesslike relationship. For Ella’s sake, as well as for our sakes. We have a chemistry, Maisie, and more than that. I don’t want to walk away from what we have...what we could have.’
‘So...’ She licked her dry lips. ‘Are you saying you want to...to have a relationship?’
For a moment Antonio looked trapped, with the classic deer-in-the-headlights widening of his eyes, so much so that Maisie almost laughed. Almost. Then he nodded slowly. ‘Yes,’ he said, the word seeming as if it had to be dragged from him. ‘That’s what I’m saying.’
Maisie nodded back, and they sipped coffee for a few minutes, both of them absorbing the tectonic shift in their relationship, letting it sink in. Then Ella started to cry, and Maisie felt relieved to slide out of bed and go to her, because the truth was she didn’t know how to be with Antonio right then.
