I was fucked. I couldn’t let go of him, and I couldn’t go on the way we had.
The divorce was happening.
But before we sat down and talked in private, he would still be here in the mornings. He’d still stop by most of the time for the bedtime routine.
I wished I could drag it out forever, but I was fairly sure Micah had picked up on something being wrong. This week, he’d turned into the family shepherd. Whenever we were all underthe same roof, he was herding Ash and me together for a double hug. He wanted us in the same room. He’d already asked Ash if I could at least try to eat breakfast, and then I could go back to sleep when they were off to school.
“And more toast for the princess,” Ash said. “Good crunch?”
“The best crunch,” Lily responded with her mouth full.
“Perfect. I’mma go talk to Dad and then see what’s takin’ Hallie so long. Don’t burn down the kitchen.”
Dammit.
I took a slow breath and hoped I looked asleep.
“Hug him, Dad,” Micah ordered. “Okay?”
Oh, sweetheart.
“Yeah, of course,” Ash replied. “Everyone knows you need extra hugs when you’re sick.”
“Yeah,” our boy agreed firmly.
It wasn’t long before I heard Ash entering the living room.
I steeled myself.
“Nate?” He came around the bed and sat down on the edge, way too close to me. “You asleep?” The fucker crossed all the lines when he combed his fingers through my hair.
That small touch was enough to break an already broken man. Emotions welled up; my eyes burned behind closed lids, and my chest felt too tight.
Please stop right now, never stop, continue forever, take me back, fix us, save me from myself.
“I’m trying to be,” I forced out.
I was so weak that I shifted my head closer to his knee, a silent request for him to keep his fingers right there. It felt so damn good. I couldn’t even describe how deprived of touch I was.
“I’ll leave you alone in a bit,” he murmured. “You want me to take the kids to my folks for a sleepover after school? It’s been a while since they saw each other.”
That was not what I wanted at all, but it was the perfect solution. I could use today and tonight to get my shit together—just enough so we could do something as a family tomorrow night. The weekends were really all we had left. The workweek was packed with excuses for us not to spend time together.
“Might be for the best,” I muttered. “You’ll be back tomorrow?”
“Yeah, we’ll probably leave Haverford after lunch,” he answered. “And, uh…I was thinking, if you feel better later today, I could find a quiet place and call you. We really need to talk. It’s nothing bad, I promise.”
Of coursehedidn’t think it was bad. And he didn’t think I would find it bad either, because I was the absolute idiot who’d told him I wanted him to move on and be happy.
Well, guess what. That was called fucking lying.
“If I feel better.” I swallowed hard and inched away from his touch. The hurt made it easy to roll over and face away from him, and now I just wanted him out of here so I could cry my eyes out.
Ash and I had raised our children to be honest about how they felt—and that crying often made you feel better afterward, because it was like releasing a valve and easing the pressure bottled up inside. Something that’d worked best for Lily and Micah, both of whom struggled with anxiety. But not all pain could be cried out. Every goddamn time I broke down over Ash, it did nothing to alleviate the agony.
“All right. Uh, rest up.” Ash rose to his feet. “Want me to order your usual for lunch?”
Don’t remind me. Please don’t fucking remind me.
