“Where the hell were you?” he demanded the second Arran followed me in and closed the door behind himself.
“Sorry, lad. That Hilt guy rang Cara an’ needed to meet right away. We had to rush out.” Arran explained.
“Hilt? He’s in the UK? What did he want?” Cal asked.
“We can go through everythin’ when Rafe and Dario get home. Right now, we need te talk about somethin’ else.”
I wrapped my arms tightly around my middle, where I stood frozen just inside the door. I didn’t want to talk about it because if we did I knew they’d make me stop. They’d take away my pills and with them my calm, and then where would I be?
“Cara, what’s wrong? Come over here and sit with me,” Cal urged as he held an arm out towards me. I just shook my head and looked to Arran, knowing he was going to say it, no matter how much I willed him not to.
“The guy we just met, pointed out somethin’ about Cara that we’ve all failed to notice,” Arran began.
“What? What the fuck is going on? Cara, just come to me, babe, please?”
“Cara’s pupils are huge. Her heart is beatin’ so hard ye can see it against her pulse point at her neck. In the station she was jittery and fidgety. I’ve noticed her zonin’ out more lately too. I thought she was just exhausted from no’ sleeping, but when I think about it, her moods have been erratic too.”
“Cara?” Cal gasped as he thought about Arran’s words for little more than a moment before turning to me with so much worry, it made me feel lower than low.
“I didn’t want to, but they…it helps. It makes the pain and anxiety less…makes me numb. I know I shouldn’t, but I…I need them! I’m sorry,” I squeaked as my voice broke and tears flowed down my face.
I just stood and cried, feeling ashamed, afraid, and embarrassed all at once. I didn’t hear Cal’s crutches over my own sobbing, but he had gotten to his feet and come over to me, I realised, as his arms came around me fully and just held me against his body firmly.
“We’re not angry, Cara. Just worried. Only worried about you,” he soothed.
“Arran’s mad,” I sniffled against his t-shirt.
“Arran isnae mad. He’s annoyed wi’ himself fer no’ seeing what was happenin’ sooner, an’ worried sick about what ye have running through yer system right now,” Arran spoke up, and I could feel his hand running over my hair again and again, assuring me he was there.
“Do you know what you took? Your pulse is really fast,” Cal asked me, and I didn’t even realise he’d been checking my pulse, but he obviously had, his fingers pressed against my right wrist.
“No. Just pills,” I shrugged, refusing to lift my face from where it pressed into Cal’s chest.
“Where did ye get the pills from, darlin’?” Arran questioned.
I hesitated, and not just because I couldn’t stand the thought of moving away from the peaceful heat of Cal’s hard body against mine. How could I explain I had been taking drugs I pretty much just found in a bathroom? Taking drugs was one thing, but suddenly it had dawned on me just how crazy it was that I’d been taking unknown drugs, from an unknown source.
“We’re not going to be angry, Cara. We’re just worried. Can you talk to us?” Cal gently prodded.
“The funeral,” I whispered, forcing myself to lift my head away from Cal enough that my words weren’t muffled by his shirt. “In the restroom…Gia’s friends. When they left, they left some pills on the counter. I’d overheard them talking about needing something to numb them, and I…I needed that too.”
“And you’ve been taking them ever since?” Cal asked.
“Not at first. I even threw them away. I didn’t want to be like my Mum. But then things were just so h-hard all of the time. I took one and it helped, so I took more. They’re not addictive though.”
“How do ye ken that?” Arran demanded, and when I glanced over to where he stood opposite Cal and I, he had his arms crossed over his chest, his stance rigid and tense.
“They only numb me. They don’t give me a high or anything. They don’t make me go all glazed over and out of it like the crap my Mum used to take. They just help a little.”
“They could still be opioids, babe. And even if they’re not, who knows what’s in them? You could be poisoning yourself.” Cal explained.
Nothing he was telling me was news to me. I had spent most of my life with a drug addict. I had been fully aware of the risks when I started taking those pills. I had just done a pretty good job of convincing myself otherwise. Deep down, I don’t think I’d really cared.
“Where are they? In yer room?” Arran clipped.
Panic filled me at the idea of him taking them away and stealing the only peace I had found in weeks.
“There aren’t any left. I took the last ones after my shower earlier,” I lied, turning my face to hide against Cal as I spoke, knowing Arran would read the lie if I didn’t turn away.
