When Arran came back with the tea and a thick slice of cake on a plate, he set it down before me, then grabbed a knife and cut the cake into fork sized cubes. I knew I should have been embarrassed, but the truth was, I was more grateful for the care he was showing right then. He and Cal were all that was stopping me from unravelling completely.
“Come on now, lass. Eat somethin’ for me. Yer worryin’ me,” Arran gently and quietly coaxed as Cal helped me sit up again, and Arran carefully placed a small cake fork in my still shaking hand.
I thanked him with a shaky smile then speared a piece of the cake, forcing myself to eat it. I’d have done anything to make Arran’s frown lines relax as he studied me closely.
“Good girl,” Cal whispered to me when I swallowed it and went to grab the next piece. And I hated to admit it, but that just made me push to eat more. That praise made me feel something other than fear and pain, even if just for a moment.
At the other side of the table Rafe and Dio had finished eating and were conspiratorially chatting quietly between themselves. I heard a few mentions of other families, mainly the Irish, so it was obvious they were already strategizing.
I forced down a few more bites of cake before my stomach started to churn and I had to call it a day. I knew it wasn’t enough, especially considering it was all I’d eaten all day but at least Arran looked slightly more relaxed when I picked up the mug of tea.
“We’ll have to get Terza doing some more baking around here, I think,” Cal said as I settled back against him with my hot cup clutched between my hands. They were shaking a little less for the time being.
“It’s a good start, lass,” Arran told me as he pushed the plate away from me, and leaned in closer across the table. “Are ye feeling up to telling them the rest?”
My heart skipped a beat in fear, then beat twice as hard as it had been before when I glanced to my brother, then back to Arran.
The answer was no. I wasn’t ready. What if Rafe was angry? What if he thought I was just like our mother? No matter what, he was going to be disappointed in me, maybe even ashamed, and that terrified me. I didn’t want to let him down, but I already had, and I knew I needed to face the music.
“Rafe?” My voice trembled as I looked over at him.
“Yes, sweetheart.”
“I….I…I n-need to tell you something, and it’s bad. I sh-shouldn’t have…but I…I was…I am a mess, and I…I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry,” I stuttered as I tried to find the words through my rapidly overflowing emotions.
Rafe was on his feet when I dared a glance at him through my tears. He pushed aside the chair at Cal’s side, the one I had briefly sat in, then knelt on the ground so he was eye to eye with me.
“Tell me,Gioia Mia. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out between us, alright? You can tell me anything,” he told me as he wrapped his hands around mine and the mug I held.
“Take some deeper breaths, gorgeous,” Cal prompted, and I forced a hiccupping breath in.
“I…I’ve been taking something. Some pills….dr-drugs,” the last word barely came out, broken by a desperate sob. “I…I’m so sorry.”
“Drugs?” Rafe repeated. He must have looked to Cal or Arran, because they filled in the blanks.
“We don’t know what they are exactly. She found the pills in the bathroom at the wake. One of Gia’s friends left them behind.”
“I’ve got what was left now. Cara gave them to me, an’ she knows it was a bad idea, but she told us that they helped to make her feel numb…made it all hurt a wee bit less,” Arran added.
“I…I’m n-not like her, Rafe. I swear. I just…I needed it to stop…I j-just needed some quiet,” I sniffled as I tried to compose myself.
“Of course you’re not. Don’t even go there, Cara. You’re nothing like our mother,” Rafe told me flatly. He moved his hands from over mine and took the cup from me, setting it on the table. When I shakily looked at him, he wrapped his hands around my hips and pulled me down to his lap. Then he just encircled his arms around me and held me tight. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re hurting and I haven’t done near enough to help you deal with that. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”
“No…”
“Yes. I have done the shittiest job of protecting you since I got you back. I didn’t even notice you were walking around high, for God’s sake.”
“None of us did, Rafe. It was Hilt who pointed it out, or I might no’ have ever noticed,” Arran said.
“It’s n-not up to any of you to notice. I’m an adult. I keep m-making shitty decisions. It’s my fault. No one else’s,” I cried breathlessly.
“How worried do we need to be? Should I look into getting a recovery team in, to wean her off?” Dio asked with clear and blatant panic.
“No!” I gasped.
“I don’t know what the pills are. I have the doc coming in about thirty minutes to take bloods so we can check what’s been in her system, but whatever it is, I don’t think she’s used for long enough or taken enough for her to be hooked on anything,” Cal explained.
“Thank Christ for that,” Rafe uttered as he gripped me tighter.
