It wasn’t. And so she eyed him once again. “May I touch you?” The boldness that swept over her was born out of her realization that every moment might be her last. She could notsay what would happen between now and her last days. But she had this time with him.
“It would not be wise.”
She knew that, but she wanted to. “I find myself not caring about wisdom anymore. And we’ve only a few more days together.” For a breathless moment, she studied him, wondering if he desired her at all.
“Why would you want to? I am a Norman soldier.” The tone of his voice held the edge of a tortured man, as if he believed himself unworthy. Though it was true that his back held the scars of the fire, she did not find him unattractive.
“You are the man who saved my life,” she said, meeting his stare.
He was looking at her with an expression of stone. For a moment, he said nothing, but merely took her hands in his. His eyes darkened, and he gave a single nod. “Do as you will.”
She explored his bare skin with her hands, tracing the muscles of his chest. He had the body of a soldier, and she admired the toned flesh. On impulse, she pressed her mouth to his heart, kissing his skin. He let out a ragged breath, revealing that he liked her touch.
She brought her lips to another part of his chest, marveling at the feeling of him. But when her hands moved to his spine, she felt the scars from the fire. She walked around him and touched his shoulders, tracing the edges of the reddened flesh. She knew he had suffered in the flames, and that one of the monks had pulled him out. His scars had healed, but the flesh was mottled and red. Carice pressed her lips to his scars, as if she could heal him with a kiss.
And that was his breaking point. Raine spun and lifted her up, kissing her hard as he carried her to the pile of furs. She delighted in the flood of desire that rolled over her in a wave of pleasure. He pressed her down and lay atop her, his erection nestled against her stomach. The sensation of his body upon hers awakened a craving that could not be satiated. She felt the need to arch her hips, to welcome him within her.
Though she was a virgin, instinctive needs rushed over her skin. Between her legs, she was wet, and with every kiss, her desire heightened. Raine was thrusting against her skirts, his eyes closed as he fought for control.
This was what a wedding night was meant to be—a desperate urge to be joined with the husband she desired.
She closed her eyes, afraid that she might indeed be falling in love with this man. Never in her life had she wanted anything as much as she wanted him.
He rested his weight upon her, his expression tight as he slowed down. “Dieu, Carice, you’re killing me.”
She reached up to his hips. “I trust you, Raine. I know that you would never, ever do anything to hurt me.” The words were meant to reassure him, but instead, they seemed to have the opposite effect.
He stopped immediately and rolled to the side. His expression grew shielded, allowing no emotions. “I should not have let it go this far.”
“We only kissed,” she started to say, but he touched a finger to her lips.
“We did more than that, and you know this. It was wrong, Carice.”
“I wanted to touch you,” she confessed. “Why was it wrong?”
“Because you are not mine to take.” He stood up and donned his armor and tunic once more. “You don’t belong to me and never will.”
His words cut through the desire, leaving her cold. She didn’t know what to say, but it felt as if he’d tossed her aside. She should have been prepared for his response, but instead, her feelings were bruised by his rejection. Everything about his demeanor had shifted into cool indifference. She swallowed back the hurt. “Are you leaving?”
He nodded. “I’m going for a walk. Stay here and sleep. I’ll return soon.”
And when he closed the door behind him, an unexpected wave of anger passed over her. All of this was unfair...the illness, her body’s weakness. Why did this have to happen? What had she done to deserve this pain and suffering? Nothing at all.
Like as not, Raine had left because he thought her too fragile. He did not want to touch her because he found her thin body unattractive. Or perhaps he saw her as a duty, nothing more. Clearly, he had no interest in exploring the rising feelings, and his refusal had humiliated her.
Carice clenched her fingers in a fist and punched the furs. For the first time in years, she had reached for something she wanted, daring to let herself have feelings for a man. She’d wanted to believe that he had traveled with her because he cared, because he’d felt something too.
And it wounded her to realize that she was wrong.
Raine cursed himself with every step he took.I know that you would never, ever do anything to hurt me,she’d said.
Damn it all, but he loathed himself for betraying her like this. He had no right to her affections, no right to touch her. She wasn’t his, and he was a bastard for delivering her into the hands of her enemy. He didn’t deserve to touch her soft skin or taste the pleasures of her flesh.
Even if he didn't betray her, he couldn’t claim the sweetness of her body. How could he take comfort in her arms when he’d been helpless to save his mother and sisters? He had been trained to fight, and he should have done something...anything. Instead, his hesitation had resulted in death and suffering.
He lived with that guilt every day, and he was unworthy of happiness. Not with Carice, not with anyone. She thought he had honor, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. His life was cloaked in deceit and cowardice. All he could do was continue forward on this path he’d forged, with the hope that he could some day save his sisters.
Raine told the guards at the crannog that he would be back soon, and he trudged across the wooden walkway that crossed the lake. The punishing night air was what he needed right now—something to cool the fires of lust that she’d kindled within him.
