‘G’day, Lees,’ I drawled. ‘You here to chew me out too? Doesn’t a guy get a break?’
‘No, I just wanted to check on you, and…’
Forgetting my burning cheeks for a moment, my gaze snapped up to find her expression wary. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s nothing… not to do with you, but I got some good news today.’ Her face wasn’t screaming good news, but I had to pay attention to her words and not her gorgeous features.
‘You gonna tell me what?’ I hoped it was the fulfilment of everything she’d ever wanted – as long as that included me. It didn’t matter so much that the stage had gone wrong today, that I’d tried to be a hero and ended up a failure.
‘I’ve got to go,’ Lori said apologetically, wrapping her arms around me for a quick squeeze that I appreciated more than I’d ever tell her. Waving as she backed out through the door, she closed it behind her with a snick.
Leesa came closer and I imagined slipping my arms around her waist, resting my head against her sternum while her fingers slid into my hair.
But what she said threw a bucket of cold water over me. ‘I got the job,’ she blurted out. ‘The big boss called me and now it’s all official. I have the contract in my inbox. For two years, at a higher pay grade than I expected. I finally have a job.’
It was difficult to keep my smile pasted on my face as my stomach sank. This felt an awful lot like that finish line, the moment I had to buck up and accept that this wasn’t going to be my race – just when I was starting to realise how much I wanted to win.
‘That’s… You know you deserve it, Magda.’
She flicked a dry gaze at me and then gave me a nudge with her elbow, just a gentle blow to my side that still caught me in the chest. ‘It’s such a relief, to have an offer after…’
‘Afterme?’ I shouldn’t have blurted that out, but there it was.
Colour rose in her cheeks. ‘That wasn’t what I was thinking, but I suppose so. I mean, this project is what got me the job. It’s worked out so much better than I expected.’
For one of us. My stomach was churning worse than it had at the finish line, full of acid and disappointment. ‘So, you’re just… that’s it.’
Her brow knit as though I’d been speaking another language, rather than just choking on half-sentences. ‘There’s still the rest of the Tour,’ she said warily.
‘The rest of the fucking Tour,’ I muttered, the yawning emptiness opening before me again.
‘I thought you might be happy for me.’
Usually I liked her tart tone, but today I was scraped raw, my organs on the outside, and I couldn’t take it. ‘Happy? That you’re leaving me? Casually moving on before you’ve even left the country? Before I’ve finished this bloody race!’
‘Colin…’
‘Don’t “Colin” me like I’m your little brother.’
‘Then stop acting like one!’
‘I havenotbeen acting like your brother.’
‘Oh, come on, Colin. You’re going to make this about sex?’
‘Of course it’s not about sex. It’s about how you’re in my head and nothing I do seems to get you out!’
The way she flinched, I might as well have punched her – and guilt spiked through me as though I had. She hadn’t done anything wrong and I didn’t want her to think she had. It was me who had raced ahead, got attached when there was no way forward for us. I felt 19 years old again, no hope of the woman with the gorgeous smile ever looking at me as anything other than a cheeky kid.
‘Are you blaming me for your performance? I never wanted this! I wish you could have stayed that immaturedickheadto me instead of this…’ She obviously couldn’t find any other words. Because Iwasan immature dickhead.
I wiped a hand over my eyes. Even the base of my palm hurt after the day on the road. Now my chest was squeezing too and I had to find enough pride to let her go with dignity. In my head, I’d known she’d never truly be mine, but my heart was stubborn and contrary.
I raced with my heart. Maybe that’s why nothing was working.
‘I know I never had any real chance with you, but cut me a bit of slack for taking this badly. I didn’t want to say goodbye to you the first time and I did something stupid enough to physically hurt you, but the second time? It’s gonna kill me, Lees. Forgive me for not being fucking happy!’
The room was so quiet I heard the air whistling into her lungs on a choppy gasp. ‘You can’t… put this on me. I’m trying to work out my life and I can’t—’
