* * *
Nope. I didn’t imagine it. It’s all there, written in pencil, with a whole slew of names scratched underneath. I don’t recognize any of them. Except for the one at the top. Me? Is she kidding?
I skim through the rest of the letter.
* * *
Surprise! It’s you, my dear.
Your task is to get a signed copy of Graham’s first book, How to Survive Your Own Funeral. And you can’t buy it online or in a store. It must be personalized. This will ensure you’re doing what you need to do to make the match. Once you have the book, give it to Spencer, and he’ll give you the next letter and the next task that will push you toward your final goal.
You have two days to complete this task.
Chop chop.
* * *
It doesn’t make sense. Isn’t the whole matchmaker shtick about matching other people together? How am I supposed to match myself?
“Graham Deadwyler.” The name is vaguely familiar. Did we meet when I stayed here with Beverly? I search my memories. Maybe that’s why she thinks we should be together, or whatever? I think I would remember him though. But it was a long time ago.
I grab my cell phone. It should be charged enough now.
Ugh. There are a million notifications. A bunch of emails from Mother, forwarding me manuscripts I should “consider,” audition opportunities she knows I’ll decline, and a request to have lunch with a director.
More texts asking where I am and requests to call her.
No, thanks. Delete, delete, delete.
I open the web search and key in Graham’s name.
He’s a writer. Maybe that’s why I recognize the name.
I thumb past the Wikipedia link and skim past some news headlines. He writes comedy horror. They’re making Burn After Beheading into a movie.
Didn’t Noah mention delivering him squash or something?
I click one of the articles that’s titled “Graham Deadwyler—The Man, The Myth, The Recluse.”
* * *
Graham Deadwyler has made a career out of writing stories where terrible things happen to very unlucky people, and then making readers laugh about it. We asked the notoriously private author of Curiosity Killed Everyone and Rotten to the Cottagecore to answer a few questions via email, though “answer” may be generous.
When asked what inspires the strange blend of horror and humor in his work, Deadwyler replied, “Most frightening things are a little ridiculous if you look at them long enough.”
Pressed for examples, he declined.
Deadwyler also declined to discuss the persistent rumor that several characters in his early novels are based on real people from the small Massachusetts town where he now lives.
“I write fiction,” he wrote. “If people recognize themselves, that’s probably something they should unpack privately.”
As for whether he plans to appear at any public events in the near future, the author’s response was even shorter.
“No.”
When informed that fans might find that disappointing, Deadwyler added, “Fans should try writing their own books. It keeps you busy.”
* * *
