Stepping back, she drops her arms lower until her hands rest on my biceps.
“I’ll go check on her.” She looks over her shoulder to Ethan, who gives her a sad smile.
He’s no longer holding the mugs. I stand there clenching my fists, the sound of Lottie’s feet carrying her up the stairs before the echo of a door closing.
“Come on, man, let's get out of here.”
I don’t answer as Ethan grabs his wallet and keys and shrugs on his coat. I follow on blindly until we’re in his car and he’s driving. He doesn’t say anything, not until he parks, and it's only then I realise where we are.
“Ally Pally,” I say, glancing at him and then back out of the windscreen.
“Yeah, do you want me to get H to come and meet us here?” he asks.
“You know I could have fucked up his career today,” I reply instead.
He turns in his seat, unclipping his seatbelt.
“How so?”
I unclip mine but keep facing forward.
“H is his brand, and by me losing my shit the way I did, blazing into Christopher's house like that, it would have been associated with him. He’s worked too hard for me to fuck it up for him.”
Ethan lets out a heavy sigh.
“No, man, I get what you’re saying, but H told me what Christopher said, that even he understood why you were seeing red.”
I scoff at that. “It’s not the point, and the only red I should have been seeing were red flags where Naomi was concerned.”
I flick open his glove box and look around the contents, wishing right now I was in my car. The urge to spark up a cigarette is even more prominent. I sigh as I clip it closed.
“You still keep a box in your glovebox?” he asks in understanding.
I just nod, my knee bouncing. To be fair to him and H, as much as they didn’t approve of me smoking, they also knew it was something I needed to take the edge off, even more so after what happened with my sperm donor.
But now I realise the vice I want, the one I need, is no longer in the form of nicotine but in the form of Violet.
And it’s because I love her too; it's why I owe it to her not to hurt her again, but what if I lose my temper like I did today? It’s always been there beneath the surface, brewing. It's one of the reasons I never wanted to fight professionally like Ethan and Henry.
I was worried the rage would be so much that I would lose more of myself. My dad took away the last of my childhood. It made me grow up and not through choice. I found it difficult after that to trust adults apart from my mum and aunt.
“You know, before I ended up in hospital, after what my dad did, I dreamed of fighting like H does now, as you did before your accident.”
He’s staring at me patiently, always allowing me to get my thoughts together for me to continue.
“I know you all thought I didn’t because I was scared, afraid of getting my arse handed to me.”
His eyebrows pull in as he frowns, shaking his head. “No, man, that's not what we thought.”
I shrug at his reply. “No, maybe not entirely, but you’ve always been the protectors. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it. I know you have my back. But I know how to take a few punches, E.”
Staring back out of the window, I inhale a deep breath.
“We know you can.”
“I don’t want to be him, Ethan.” I don’t need to elaborate. He knows who I’m referring to. “Not ever, and today I was. Even though it was brief, it was enough. Violet doesn’t deserve that. You know she thinks she’s hard to love?” I say, looking back at him. “But she’s not at all. Loving her is as simple as breathing. Anyone who said otherwise was the problem, not her.”
Ethan reaches out, his hand going to my shoulder.
