“But you love her, and what you’re doing by leaving her is a way of what? Protecting her?”
And there he is, my ever-loving, intuitive cousin and best friend.
“Yes.”
He dares to let out a low laugh, but not the humorous kind.
“Then you’re an idiot.”
This time I turn in my seat. “No, Ethan, I’m not. I care about her enough to know I’m not good enough for her. I think I should talk to someone because I want to be enough for her, I really do.” Not that I ever will be.
But I’ve suppressed some shit, and I need to own up to it, and today has proved it.
“I think talking to someone will help. But I also think you’re too hard on yourself. She was worried about you, too, Nathan. You say she thinks she’s hard to love, but I know you, man, you think you’re hard to love, too, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
I don’t know how to respond to that. It's not anything I have ever voiced out loud. Because by saying it, it would have validated my feelings and made them feel even more real. Why else would my dad do what he did? To me, to my sisters and my mum?
So, I say what I’ve never dared to say before.
“That’s where I think you’re wrong. Why else would my dad do what he did to us, to me, if I was easy to love?”
Ethan's mouth pulls into a tight line.
“Your babies aren’t even here yet, and I know you would never do what he did.”
“Nathan, love has nothing to do with what he did to you. And you’re right. They’re not even here yet, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them. Same as you, I’ve seen how you are with Jacob. You say Henry and me are protectors.” He uses air quotes on the last word. “But you’re no different. You protect the ones you love fiercely, even when that love is misplaced and borders on hate.”
He’s talking about my misplaced loyalty to Naomi. And I get what he’s saying, I should have cut all ties, but she played on my vulnerabilities, ones I thought I had hidden well but evidently not.
ChapterForty-Seven
VIOLET
I can barely see past my tears when the bedroom door opens, and for one stupid, pathetic moment, I think Nathan has come back.
“Oh, Vi.”
Char comes over and joins me on the bed, lying on her side.
“He left,” I say through a low sob.
Her hand finds mine, and she squeezes it softly.
“He’s upset and scared over you getting hurt, Vi. He just needs a little time.”
Logically I know she’s right, but emotionally I just feel bereft because I hadn’t realised how much I’d come to rely on him, and I needed him today especially. Going to hospital was hard enough. Not knowing if he was okay was just as bad.
I just wanted him to stay. He could have just held me, even if he couldn’t find the words.
“I get it, Char, him feeling guilty that I ended up getting hurt, but at no point did anyone think or accuse him of it being on purpose.”
Charlotte uses the sleeve of her jumper to wipe up some of my tears as I puff out a breath.
“I know, Vi, but he does.”
She’s right. I could see it written all over his face. He’d always been so easy-breezy, happy-go-lucky, a jokester. Only after we started spending time together did I see a deeper side to him, so many different layers.
“Did he leave?” I ask, a tiny part of me hoping he’s still downstairs.
